Non-Stress Testing can be STRESS INDUCING!

Whew! The past few weeks have been a whirlwind! Here's what's been going on . . .

Because of Mirabel's mysterious cavum septum vergae (I don't even think that's spelled right, but that is apparently what they are calling the 'growth' in her brain that may just be a "normal variant") and because of the increased amount of fluid in her sack, the perinatologist doctor decided weeks ago that I would need to be seen twice weekly for Non-Stress Testing (hereafter, N.S.T.'s) to monitor BOTH babies' heart-rates (to make sure that neither baby is in distress). In every appointment thus far, the babies have been closely monitored and have had to have biophysical profiles (ultrasounds) to confirm that they were not in distress. Their heart-rates are both always in the "normal" range, but Mirabel's heart-rate wasn't fluctuating as the doctors would have liked to see through my contractions. It is "normal" for a babies' heart-rate to increase (if healthy) or decrease (if in distress) when the mother has contractions. For some reason, Mirabel's heart-rate was just staying the same. So last Friday the perinatologist doctor decided that it was time we did a Stress-Test, where I was given Pitocin (Oxytocin) to induce stronger contractions, in order to examine more clearly the babies' response to stress. The contractions were PAINFUL (as I'm sure labor is about to be!) and it was hard to get the babies to stay on the heart-rate monitor, so the test took quite a while. But in the end, both babies' heart-rates showed the fluctuations the doctors were looking for, the Pitocin was turned off, the contractions ended, and we were sent home.

Then yesterday I woke up with a sore throat. Great. I've caught a cold.

Tomorrow, we go in again for another N.S.T., but this time the perinatologist has decided that he wants to do an Amniocentesis to confirm that the babies (especially Mirabel) are fully developed and ready for this world! The Amnio can tell us immediately if the babies are in any kind of distress and how mature they are. Tomorrow I will officially be 36-weeks pregnant and that is FULL-TERM for twins, so if necessary, tomorrow may just be their birthdays!

We are praying, of course, for whatever needs to happen to benefit the babies most. Both babies are very active, so that is a continual reassuring sign of their good health. Still, we need your prayers that the babies are healthy and that whatever happens, all will go well for them!! : )

A Little Note to my Little Girls

When I feel your movements, I am comforted to know that you are doing well.

When you kick me hard, I can sympathize with your limited space.

Mirabel, as I watch your movement under my skin, I wonder what position you're in. Sometimes it looks like you're knocking, hoping to open a door to this world you've yet to discover. Meanwhile, I'm out here trying to tell you, "Up is not the exit!"

Morriah, you've been in the same position practically the whole time. Your heels poke and push my upper belly, while your head remains low. You often get the hiccups, and it feels like little internal flicks - painless but consistent, like the ticking of a metronome.

I can't wait to hold you and cuddle with you. I want to look into your precious eyes and stroke your tiny hands and kiss your chubby cheeks. I want to rock you to sleep in my arms. I want to watch you play with your daddy. I want to hear your coos and cries (I know, I must be crazy!). I just can't wait to get to know you, my beautiful little ones!!

Showered with LOVE!!

My baby shower was so amazing!! I can't believe how many people came, how many gifts I got, and how fun it was to have everyone together!! : ) Here are a few great pics from the event (captions are above each pic) . . .

The AMAZING Diaper Cake (created by my Momma!!) WoW!!!

Me and Momma (we're standing at the door to the babies' room)

Auntie Linda and my cousin, Erica

LOTS OF PRESENTS!!!

Belly Laughs! Auntie Linda, me, and Granny

Dara (long-time friend) and Jen (my brother's girlfriend)

Jenny (Tim's cousin) and Beks (long-time friend)

Andrea (THE ULTIMATE PARTY-PLANNER!!) hosting Jeapordy

Carol (long-time friend) and I

The cutest M&M cake!! (Beks brought it!) YUMMY!!

Nicole, me, and Deidre (friends from High School - Reunited!!)

Hyongmi, me, and Lina (long-time friends and new moms!!)

Family Dinner at Bangkok Kitchen (awesome Thai food!!)

Is this all you see when you look at me?

Photo Taken on Thursday, October 16th, 2008

Eyes divert immediately to the protruding mass where my stomach used to be. And it will be larger still. Can anyone see me in here?

I am a full-time baby-developing system. This body is not my own. I'm sharing it, warmly and delicately, with two precious, thriving beings. This is about them. All about them. Not about me.

10-15-08 Ultrasound

Isn't she precious?! We finally got a good pic of Morriah! Her profile is so cute! We didn't get any good photos of Mirabel this time. Morriah is a pretty big girl for her age and has begun to take up more space in the womb. Mirabel is a little smaller than Morriah, but is still average size for her age. Now its Mirabel who is being squished! Seeing them was the highlight of our week! : )

The Truth

At some point this blog of mine became more of a newsreel as opposed to its intended purpose of self-expression and personal insight. I had decided that my loyalty was to the readers more so than to myself and therefore began writing what I thought that my readers would want to read. This is the typical reaction that I have as a performer. "Give 'em what they want and lose yourself in the process." This is not to blame the reader. This is me, taking full responsibility for going back down this path of people-pleasing behaviors. I keep trying to break away from this pattern in my life only to discover how fully it has crept back in and taken over.

So this blog post is about truth. I am going to be truly honest about what's really going on. I don't care who reads it or about the responses it might invoke. No one cares about other peoples' opinions when they're writing a journal entry . . . its just their honest emotions and deepest thoughts on paper. Here are my honest emotions and deepest thoughts, on my blog. I'm letting you read it so that you can know who I really am; this is not to impress or please you.

The truth is that I am so scared. I am terrified. Tim's been pretty sick lately. It's a typical cold, but I can hear it in his lungs. Every time he laughs, he coughs. Every time he takes a deep breath, he coughs. Is it an infection? Will he have to be on antibotics? Worse, will he have to get a pick-line IV again? I can tell that he's getting discouraged. Last night, while attaching his insulin pump, he looked up at me and said, "I don't want to have all of these medical problems anymore." I could hear that deep sorrow in his voice and it doesn't sound like self-pity to me. It makes me cry, even now, as I think about it. I know he's so tired of being sick. I don't blame him! I wish that he wasn't sick! I hate that he has CF and diabetes. I hate that he has to take enzymes with every meal in order to gain nutrients from what he eats. I hate that he needs insulin to maintain his blood-sugar levels. I hate that he has to do breathing-treatments three times a day. But I don't want him to stop. I fully understand why he needs those things. I just see how hard it is for him and it breaks my heart. I am so scared that any little sickness could be his last. What if this is it? Now I'm even more fearful of losing him because of what more it would mean. We're having two kids. If something happens to him, I'll be a single-mom. I am so terrified of having a sick husband and two babies to care for. How can I care for each of them, giving equal attention and care to each? Beyond that, how will we survive financially? We have no back-up plan. No savings. Nothing to fall back on. If Tim is sick, he can't work. If he can't work, we have no income and no medical coverage. If I go back to work, who will take care of Tim and the babies? Of course, because of my lack of higher education, I won't be able to get a very well paying job. So how will I support a family of four on my own? And all of those are just the fears surrounding my husband.

I am also terrified of the babies not being healthy. I don't feel like I am emotionally or physically strong enough to handle any more health challenges. I know that my doctors are just trying to keep me prepared when they talk of preterm labor, but all of the talk about it does make me anxious. If the babies are born too soon, they could have a plethora of health problems. Is my body strong enough to carry them for at least 9 more weeks? I feel like I'm bursting already. I am afraid of not being strong enough. I am afraid of having to care for two infants after recovering from labor. I have all kinds of fears about labor. There are so many risks. Talk of a "birth plan" is absurd to me, because my options are so limited. The labor will be performed in a cesarean (surgical) suite, regardless of the type of birth. Everyone will be in scrubs, including my husband (and he will be the only family member I can have with me during that time). Nothing about it sounds sweet and precious. Everything about it sounds like scary, routine hospital stuff. All I want is to be able to touch my babies immediately after they're born, but its doesn't sound like that's an option if I'm going to be tied down to the table. That makes me sad. Once the babies are born, they will be wisked away, and my husband with them. I'll be alone after the most traumatic event in my life. I am so scared of being alone, separated from my babies and my husband.

And there are a whole list of fears that I have about after they're born. What if this thing on Mirabel's brain really is a tumor? What if she needs to stay in the hospital? Or needs brain surgery? Or, what if, by some random act of nature, one of the babies does have CF? My blood was tested and showed that I am not a carrier (both parents need to be carriers for a baby to be at risk for the disease), but what if the test was faulty?

With the risk of preterm labor being so high, I also get fearful that we won't have all of the things that we need when the babies are born. I was trying to pack my hospital bag last night, as suggested, and discovered that I have nothing to pack! I don't have extra clothes that I can pack because all of the clothes that I have I still need to wear (I think I have about a total of 6 outfits that still fit). As for the babies, we have a few clothes, but nothing that seems warm enough or small enough. We don't have the car seats needed to bring them home from the hospital. We don't have a bed for them to sleep in when we bring them home from the hospital. We have no diapers. We have a stroller that is too big for them just yet and we have a crib that is not fully put together because we had to send in parts of it for the recall. I was laying in bed last night anxiously thinking that I needed to go online to purchase the car seats using our credit card so that we can at least bring our babies home from the hospital. My baby shower is in a few weeks, but what if the babies won't wait that long? After all of the contractions I've had lately, I feel more anxious than ever to be prepared, like, yesterday.

I am so fearful. I can get through most of my days without thinking about all of the "what if's," but I needed to just get them all out once and for all. Not thinking about them isn't the solution. When I don't think about them, they somehow find a way to stew and boil over all at once. Or I just shut-down because I get so tired of feeling so out of control. That was my day yesterday. Shut down. There is freedom in letting it all out like this. Now I know what to pray about. Now I know what I need to focus on. When I'm not letting these fears consume me, I am able to think more clearly, care more about other people, and trust that God is (as he always has been) taking good care of me and my family. I have so much to be grateful for. When my fears take over, I can't see how much I really have.

The truth is that I have been given much. Luke 12:48b (NLT) says, "Much is required from those to whom much is given, and much more is required from those to whom much more is given." I believe that God has given me much so that I can give more. I just have to remember what God has given me . . .

I am so grateful for my loving, supportive, and thoughtful husband. Tim is my best friend. We laugh together. We cry together. We pray together. I am more myself around him than anyone else. He knows me best. He understands me better than I understand myself. He is so patient with me. He is always quick to forgive me. He is sensitive and stronger than any man I've ever known. He stands for what's right. He is gentle and sincere. He teaches me about the character of God. He truly is more than I could've ever asked for or imagined in a husband. I am so grateful to be carrying his babies and I can't wait to watch him with our children. I see how generously he loves our friends' kids and I know that he is going to be the most awesome father. He is playful and energetic and fun.

I am so grateful to be carrying twin girls! I think that twins are so special. Twice the gift from God! He must really believe in Tim and I! I am so grateful that I was able to get pregnant and that we were successful on our first IVF cycle. I can clearly see how God truly protected Tim and I from years of grief and pain. I am so grateful every time I feel the babies' movements because it reminds me that they are alive and well (and STRONG!). I am grateful that we have so many generous friends and family members who have had kids before us who have been eager to share their experiences, their baby things, and their expertise! My fears are assaged and I am comforted by being surrounded in so much love!

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV) - "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us THROW OFF EVERYTHING THAT HINDERS and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us. Let us FIX OUR EYES ON JESUS, the author and perfecter of our faith, who FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM ENDURED the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. CONSIDER HIM WHO ENDURED such opposition from sinful men, so that YOU WILL NOT GROW WEARY AND LOSE HEART." (emphasis mine)

I feel much better now. : )

10-10-08 Prenatal Appointment

We had a great prenatal appointment on Friday. God is really taking great care of me and the babies! The doctor did a brief ultrasound and was very impressed with how active the girls were. The doctor also encouraged me that I am gaining an adequate amount of weight, that my cervix is still closed (so that is a good sign that preterm labor won't be happening anytime too soon!), and that I do not have gestational diabetes. Per our request, she took some snapshots of the girls while doing the ultrasound! Here are the girls' bellies - side by side!




Morriah was not in a position that enabled us to really get a good look at her face. Mirabel, who has been eager to pose for pictures in the past, was very willing to give us a little show! Below is Mirabel about to suck her thumb (or pick her nose?). It was so cool to see!

This was another profile shot that the doctor snapped for us of Mirabel.

We are so excited about our little girls! Everyday we pray for their continued health and that they will be ready for this world when the time comes for them to be born. We have another (longer) ultrasound on Wednesday to more accurately measure their development. This is the more advanced ultrasound that I go in to have done once a month.

Friday's appointment was very positive, but yesterday I had a lot more contractions than I've ever had in a single day. I am almost 28-weeks along and 37-weeks is a full-term pregnancy for twins, so I've still got to keep these little buns in my oven for at least 9 more weeks! Please pray for us! The other outcome from Friday's appointment was that my lab tests show I am still anemic. It is not uncommon to be anemic while carrying twins, but I do worry that I am not providing enough of what the babies need. According to my doctor, the babies will take what they need before my body meets its own needs. I am comforted by that, but still need to increase my iron intake so that my own body can be strong enough to support the both babies and myself. We appreciate your prayers!!

The Cadillac of Strollers!

This is the one! We bought our stroller this weekend and I love it! It is pretty big (hence the title of this post), but it fits into our car after all (to our great relief). It is the Graco DuoGlider in the Jungle Adventure pattern, made specifically for Target stores. We didn't get it from Target, though. A friendly CraigsList entrepreneur sold it to us - brand new - for $80 (it retails for $140). I took the picture below with the canopies removed because the stroller fits into our trunk much better without them attached.




Isn't this pattern so cute?! I am not inclined to get everything in pink just because we're having two girls and I think green is a nice, neutral color.

Now that we've got the stroller, our next big purchases will be the two infant car seats, which this stroller is designed to hold. One of the reasons why I love this stroller is that the kids can grow into it. We won't have to buy a new stroller after the kids outgrow their car seats. We'll reattach the canopies when the kids outgrow their car seats (the car seats have their own canopies).

So why am I posting about a stroller? It is exciting to me when we purchase baby items . . . it makes the reality of the babies' impending arrival more real to me. I think it also has to do with fulfilling a deep need that I have to feel prepared in advance for any major changes that I have in my life. I am nesting. Maybe that is why I so enjoyed creating the registries at Target and Babies R Us? I was like that preparing for my wedding, too. I wonder if this goes way back to my days as a Girl Scout? The motto was: "always be prepared!" I plan to! (LoL)

Strollers and Car Seats and Cribs . . . Oh My!!

What a whirlwind these past few weeks have been! I haven't been too busy, considering the "activity restrictions" that my doctor has me on, but somehow the time still gets away from me. I can't believe its been so long since I've posted.

What I have been doing: NESTING.

Last Saturday, Tim and I went to Babies R Us (our first time going together). I was so excited to be able to show him what I had registered for and I was looking forward to getting his opinions. But the main reason we went was to try out the Graco® DuoGlider double-stroller that I have been considering. It is one of the few double-strollers that accommodates two infant car seats and can still be used well into toddler-hood! Sounds perfect, right?! Absolutely! And I still love it, even after realizing how heavy it is (because ANY double-stroller is going to be heavy!). The discouragement set in when we folded up the stroller and recognized that it appears to be too big for our trunk. Of course, we haven't actually been able to attempt putting this stroller in our trunk, but even if we did manage to fit it in, there wouldn't be any room left for shopping bags or whatever else we might be transporting. I think that this was when it finally hit me: we really have NO IDEA what we're in for . . .

After the stroller saga, we headed to the line to return our scanner. As we were standing in line, I was noticing the posters of items being recalled and my attention was drawn to the cribs. To my shock and disappointment, our crib was one of them. I was immediately fearful that we would not be able to get a replacement crib since we are not the original owners (and therefore have no paperwork on it). I was also discouraged because I love our crib! It was exactly the crib I had been hoping for! And, truthfully, I didn't want to have to go through crib-shopping all over again.

The good news is that since then, we have received a packet containing information on how to receive a voucher good for the purchase of a brand new crib. We aren't required to provide proof-of-purchase, just proof of ownership (we are required to send it all of the bolts and screws that hold the crib together). So that was a relief! : )

So besides the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) of the baby world, I am getting more and more excited about meeting my little girls soon! It is amazing how much they move and how fast they're (we're) growing! Tim and I were able to attend a class just for (soon-to-be) parents of multiples last week and we were given a hospital tour of the maternity ward. The best part was getting to peak in the window of the NICU to see a set of twins that had just been born the day before. They were so tiny (about 5 pounds each), but absolutely adorable!! I think that was when it finally hit me: these two little creatures wrestling inside of me are my babies that I will get to hold VERY SOON! And I am so thrilled!!

Names and an Update

We have determined (first) names for our baby girls! We wanted names that started with "M" so that they could be the "M&M Twins" (corny, I know, but we wanted something special for twins). Tim had the idea of having each name be 7-letters long, as are Timothy and Jessica. We also wanted names that are less common than our own. So after some thoughtful deliberation, here are their names:

Baby A (located on my lower left-side) is Morriah (meaning "God is my teacher"). Below is the ultrasound picture from 08-06-08 where she is sucking her thumb (SO CUTE!!).

Baby B (located a little higher on my right-side) is Mirabel (meaning "of extraordinary beauty"). This is her profile picture from the 08-06-08 ultrasound.

For the UPDATE: GREAT NEWS!! Last Friday we had our Level II Ultrasound to better understand the apparent cyst on Mirabel's (Baby B's) brain. Well, the cyst was NOT actually a cyst at all! It looks like the middle portion of her brain (between the right and left ventricles) is a bit larger than normal, but it could simply be a "normal variance" (as the doctor called it). There is no way to know the long-term affects (or if there will be any), so as far as the doctors can tell, everything looks normal and there is no cause for concern after all. YAY!!! God has been so faithful in answering our prayers!!

We're Having TWO GIRLS!!

Yup, it's official: two GIRLS!! We're very excited (and terrified)!!

The babies looked great in the ultrasound today; both had strong beating hearts and all limbs and other necessary body parts were present (thank you, God!). But we do still need your prayers, especially for "Baby B." Although we are not sure exactly what it means, a small cyst was found in her brain. We will be having another, more intensive ultrasound (Level II) in a few weeks to get a better idea of what it might be (and whether or not it is anything to be concerned about). In the meantime, we are not going to worry because God has taken such good care of all of us and we trust that he will continue to work miracles throughout these babies' lives!!

We were given a ton of great ultrasound pictures and we snuck our camera in to try and get another little video (we haven't had a chance to upload it yet to see if it worked). We'll be posting those sometime over the next few days, so check again back soon!! ; )

Ultrasound at 16 Weeks

Click here to see our latest ultrasound video!

We attempted to find out the genders of the babies during this ultrasound, but the technology was not clear enough. Also, "Baby A" (aka "Uno") was tucked back in a position that made the baby harder to see in this ultrasound. But we did get to hear both babies' heartbeats this time! It was so amazing!! It sounded like little drum beats. You can hear "Baby A's" heartbeat at the end of the video above.

Getting Ready for Babies

This week has been a week of beds . . .

In an attempt to appease this pregnant woman, we had to make some adjustments to our sleeping arrangements. To our dismay (and no surprise), we discovered that we had been sleeping on the wrong side of our Tempur-pedic mattress for the past two years. Unbeknownst to us, the Tempur-pedic mattresses are not supposed to be flipped (EVER) because only one side is equipped with the special foam. So along with the mattress correction, we ended up with a new box-spring and bed-frame to better support our special mattress. Now we can rest assured and (hopefully) more comfortably.


The other bed of note this week is our new CRIB!! It is beautiful! We had a bunch of friends over on Saturday and everyone pitched in to help us build the crib and rearrange the furniture in our bedroom (YES, we have some AWESOME friends!). We only need one crib because the twins will be sleeping together (as in the comfort of the womb). We cleared off Tim's dresser so that it can be used (eventually) as the changing table.

Some have said that we're moving things a little fast, but I love to plan and prepare in advance! I am having so much NESTING! And this is only just the beginning . . .

I want to be a mother of twins because . . .

. . . I desire to experience the hand of God knitting together two separate lives in my womb.

. . . I dream of looking upon the miraculous creations of life that are part me and part Timothy.

. . . I want to prove to myself that I am healthy, strong and capable.

. . . I anticipate building a family and to watch it blossom throughout my lifetime.

. . . I wish to travel and explore the world alongside my own children and husband.

. . . I long to witness who they will become what they will bring to this world.

. . . I look forward to watching the unique and special bond between the two of them.

. . . I hope to create with them and to celebrate their own creations.

Me at 3 (Months)!

It's crazy how fast I'm growing, but I know that means that the babies are growing too! This is the latest picture of me - I'm "showing!" : )

Click Here to See the Video of Today's Ultrasound

Check out the video Tim took of our twins today (click on the post title)!!

Here are the pictures that the doctor gave us - they're a little bit harder to see, so the video was a great idea! Good thinking, daddy Timbo!!

Baby "A" -

Baby "B" -

(NOT) Sleeping Like a Baby

I read somewhere that the first trimester of pregnancy is kind of a preview of what is to come: having to get up multiple times during the night and then feeling completely sleep-deprived all day, everyday. Granted, I don't yet have two needy infants crying for my urgent attention - it is my own aching (hungry) stomach and seemingly full bladder that have me hopping out of bed at least once an hour every night! It would be one thing if the sleep I did get was restful, but when I wake, I feel like a zombie. My body is at war with itself! I want to sleep all the time, but if I don't eat (often!) then I end up laying restlessly in bed, no matter how exhausted I am! So I get up and feed myself, feeling like either an animal (I'm drinking water like a thirsty camel and eating ravenously like a starving pig!) or like a helpless baby myself. Then I attempt sleep again, only to be stirred by the full feeling of my bladder. I stumble to the toilet to relieve myself (and have often dozed while sitting there) only to release a small amount! By the time I make it back to bed, I still don't feel relieved and I'm hungry again. It is a vicious, perpetuating cycle that continues on into the day. I can't seem to nap for the same reasons I can't get to sleep at night. I'm hungry and I have to pee.

I am looking forward to the "blissful" second trimester that I've also read about. Apparently, this is when a woman's body has become "used to" being pregnant and the hormones begin to level out. I am 11 weeks pregnant right now and there are 13 weeks in the first trimester of pregnancy. You can bet that I am counting down the days till my second trimester begins! In the pregnancy books about multiples, though, the "bliss" of the second trimester is short-lived compared to that of a singleton pregnancy. My thought is: you can't believe everything you read! LOL!!

Seriously, in spite of all of the challenges and discomforts, I know that what I am going through is so worth it. I dream about holding my twins, watching them cuddle together in their crib, watching them play together and explore the world together! I watch my abdomen expand and I imagine their growth. I massage my belly and think of what it will be like to touch their soft skin. Right now, they are each about an inch-and-a-half long, each about the size of a fig. It is amazing to me how fast they are growing. My next appointment is Tuesday, June 24th and I'll be sure to post the latest ultrasound pictures that day! Stay tuned!

I'm going to go try and take a nap - or eat - or pee.

Ultrasound #3!!

Our babies are starting to look human!! "Thing #1" (closest to the top, sitting almost upright) measures about 2.33 centimeters long and "Thing #2" (bottom, laying down) measures about 2.29 centimeters long! "Thing #1" was awake and moved around quite a bit for this ultrasound. "Thing #2" was napping, but still moved a little bit. It was so amazing to see them move! Their hearts are both beating, still looking like little flashing Christmas lights!

Everyone at the OB office was very excited for us and kept telling us what a blessing it is to be having twins! That was very encouraging! And we do feel very blessed!!

So far, I have gained about 12 pounds. I am about 9-weeks pregnant today, so that means that everything is going very well! This picture was taken last Thursday (May 29th) - I'm "showing!!"

A Quarter of a Century

My loving husband woke me up this morning with this reminder: "You're a quarter-of-a-century old today!" I wanted to go right back to sleep! Later, my mom called and asked, "How does it feel to be a quarter-of-a-century today?" Yikes! Are they in cahoots or something?!


For me, birthdays used to be all about getting spoiled rotten for a day (or, in some cases, for a whole week!) and partying with friends. But this year I have something better to celebrate. For this birthday, I am celebrating the babies growing inside of me!


This birthday is a milestone in my life, but not because it is marking the 'quarter-of-a-century' that I've been alive. It is a milestone because it is the last I will have before the babies arrive. It is a milestone because of all of the ways that my life will be so completely different one year from now. It is the last of my "youth" and the introduction of soon-to-be parenthood. This is the beginning of a transformation: my life is no longer about me, but about taking care of the two tiny lives that God has entrusted me with. They are the miracle and they are the most precious gift I could ever imagine!

The Growing Twins!

This is the "family picture" (as the doctor called it!) - the twins are almost the same size, it is just hard to tell with this kind of ultrasound because it only shows what is closest to the tip of the wand:


This is "Thing Number One" (aptly named by his or her loving father) and this one is about 17.7mm right now! The doctor said that this one is standing on its head:



And this is "Thing Number Two," (also aptly named by his or her loving father!) which is a little harder to see, on the bottom. This one measures about 14.9mm right now!


It was so exciting! I got to see "Thing Number One" do a little dance for me. It was precious!! I can't feel their movements yet, but the doctor said that they are moving all of the time and that both babies are looking well for this stage! Please keep us and them in your prayers!!

24 Pounds

24 pounds. That is how much weight I am supposed to gain in the first trimester being pregnant with TWINS. I am currently 7-weeks pregnant and have gained about 6 pounds total so far. For those who are as uninformed about pregnancy as I have been, that means that I have about 6 more weeks in which to gain 18 pounds!! That sounds like such a large number to me right now!

For those who have been pregnant before, you might understand how hard it is to gain weight in the first trimester with this awful thing called "morning sickness." I have to say that I have been blessed with very few vomiting episodes, but my appetite has been very unpredictable and insatiable. The nausea keeps me from wanting to eat (though I am learning to force-feed myself on behalf of those two precious beings developing inside of me). Whenever I finally crave something, my satisfaction only lasts for a few bites and then I find myself revolted by that very food I so desperately craved. It is a strange phenomenon. I have grown to deeply respect all women that have ever been pregnant and have had to experience any of these symptoms.

I know that this stage will pass. I am comforted that my body will "catch up" in the second trimester if I cannot gain the full 24 pounds in this first trimester. Apparently that is when my body will have adjusted to being pregnant. This is a time of a lot of changes in a relatively short period of time (although I know it will not feel short!).

Above all else, I am so excited to be pregnant. Whatever I must go through is just a part of the cycle of life and I am grateful to have the opportunity to be a part of it. It is such a miracle that two babies are growing at the same time and I want to do my best to take care of them even at this early stage. I want to be a great mommy for them!

I am pregnant with TWINS!!

Here is a pic of one baby (it looks like a small peanut or something inside of the little bubble, sort of to the left) . . .


And here is a pic of the OTHER baby (another peanut in the bubble) . . .

We are so excited to have two on the way! This is a picture of the two of them, side by side!

Everyone keeps asking about the gender, but we won't know that for a couple more months. In the meantime, we'll be thinking of lots of great names for either gender! Please leave suggestions if you have some! We'll be needing all the help we can get - and I'm not just talking names here! ; )

What a MIRACLE!! I got so choked up when the doctor pointed out their precious little beating hearts. She was pleased to tell us that they both look well for this stage. WOW!!

Update

I just got a call from the IVF nurse with today's test results - I am still pregnant! ; ) I thought that they would be able to tell from today's test whether or not we'll be having twins, but it turns out that we won't know that until my first ultrasound appointment. That will be on Thursday, May 15th at 4pm. I'm just happy to be pregnant! Time to celebrate! Bring on the ice cream and chocoalte and pickles! LoL!

Tim's Words

This is a copy of the e-mail that Tim sent out last night to our friends and family:


Hi friends & family-

As many of you know, we have been going through the in-vitro fertilization process… and today we got confirmation that we are in fact pregnant!!!

Jess and I are excited beyond words and extremely grateful to God. Going through this process has given us much faith about God’s sovereignty. So many couples that we’ve spoken with who have done IVF are not successful on the first try, and it is a very physically, emotionally, and financially draining endeavor… It makes us realize how true this Scripture is:

1 Corinthians 3:7
So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.

No matter how much technology man may develop, he can never circumvent the will of God. We have been humbly praying (many of you have on our behalf, as well) for His will to be done, and also crying out with the desires of our hearts. It is nothing short of a miracle that we have been able to become pregnant in spite of all the circumstances and odds against it.

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Matthew 7:11
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

We are sorry that we were not able to personally call each and every one of you to share in our joy – but it is also a good problem to have: too many friends who know and love you to be able to contact them all!

There are still 8 more months (or so) to go – and anything can happen, so please continue praying for us. Jessica and I appreciate all of the love and support that each of you has shown us.

Love,
Tim & Jess

It's Official!!

Today, at around 2pm, while my mom and I were grabbing lunch together at Panda Express, I got a call from the IVF nurse . . . she said that she had GOOD news for me! Yup! You guessed it! I'm PREGNANT!! Hooray!!



I think I'm still in shock. I had to do a home pregnancy test just so that I could visibly see the results for myself!

We're proud parents-to-be!! We should find out on Wednesday (April 30th) whether or not it I'm carrying twins. More to come soon! ; )

Waiting

Waiting is the hardest part.
Fear of the unknown creaps in.
Emotions are unstable.
Nothing is certain.

It is a helpless feeling.
Every change seems scary.
Doubt is ever present.
Nothing can be done.

Comfort is a luxury exchanged for pain.
Sleep is restless.
Days are endless.
Nothing brings comfort.

Longing fills the empty places.
Hope of the possibility stirs perseverence.
Remembering the motivation is inspiration.
Everything will be clear soon enough.

God, Science & the Miracle of Life

Today has been a milestone! Today I went and got two embryos implanted, thus completing the IVF cycle. As I mentioned in my previous post, we won't find out if this means that I am pregnant until Monday, April 28th, when I will go in for the first blood test. I will take yet another blood test on the 30th to ensure that the embryos are developing normally. I know that there will still be many uncertainties to follow, as with any pregnancy, but the anticipation of knowing whether or not this phase has been successful will keep me on my knees in prayer! I didn't bring my camera with me to document this part (I know - I failed as a scrapbooker today!), but one of the nurses suggested that we use Tim's cell phone camera. The photos below aren't the best quality, but you can bet that they will be used in the baby-book! The first is of our doctor, me and Tim. The other two photos are of the doctor explaining the fertilization results to me. If we're really lucky, the leftover embryos (hopefully around 10) will be frozen for future use - so if we decide to have more children later we won't have to go through this entire process all over again.

I thought that the most amazing part of the whole process was actually seeing the embryos. The embryos pictured below are the ones that were implanted. The embryo on the top left is the one that the doctor was most certain looked ready to be implanted, but because we are hoping for twins and the doctor likes to implant more than one just for good measure, it was harder to choose the second. The rest of the embryos looked "fragmented" - you might notice that the embryo on the bottom right doesn't look like it is dividing as cleanly. Regardless, there is still a chance that the embryo will improve now that it is inside of my uterus.

It just amazes me that God has so specifically detailed out the miracle of life. He has created every cell with such specialization and uniqueness. Watching those embryos being transfered got me all choked up because I realized that most people don't get to watch how it happens. I mean, this proceedure was so intricate and delicate, but there is hope that our own flesh and blood will come of this! I am in awe of God and science - because God is only just showing us what he has known and been doing all along, allowing us this opportunity to try and get pregnant - and this miracle of life that has been his plan since the creation of mankind. I am so grateful!!

Post-Retrieval Update

The retrieval on Monday, April 14th was a success! The doctor extracted 27 eggs total from my now grapefruit-sized ovaries! Only 12 of the 27 were successfully fertilized, but I am told that any amount in the "double-diggits" is exciting! The transfer will either be tomorrow (Thursday, April 17th) or Saturday (April 19th). The date of conception would still be Monday, April 14th, so my due date will be about 40 weeks from that if I do end up pregnant. The official pregnancy test will be on Monday, April 28th and I will have blood drawn every day that week to make sure that the embryos are developing naturally and that my body is adjusting to the pregnancy. The excitement is buidling every day! I'll keep you posted!

Journal Entry #1

I should know in just a couple of weeks if the in-vitro process has been successful. I still have one more week of injections to induce follicle stimulation. I'm hoping that everything will continue to go according to plan and that I can go in for the "egg-retrieval" process on Sunday, April 13th. Depending on how the embryos develop following the retrieval, I would then go in for the "transfer" three or five days after that. Ten days after the transfer, I will find out whether or not I am pregnant. By the 12th day I should know whether or not I am carrying twins.

The past couple of days have been especially difficult. I have simultaneously been experiencing an overflow of emotions and physical pain. On top of all of that, I seem to have come down with a cold. I have never been so uncomfortable, incapacitated, or lethargic all at once.

But then I sit back and think of what it might be like to give birth to a child . . . to hold a tiny life that is one part me and one part Tim . . . and suddenly I am filled with a longing that makes it all seem so worth whatever I must endure. I am motivated by the hope and the faith that one day Tim and I can be working together as parents to raise a child (or children!). I can imagine Tim playing with our kids: teaching, encouraging, and inspiring. I know he is going to be such a wonderful dad! I can see us all sitting down for dinner, going to parks to play, seeing sights on vacations, having movie nights and watching Veggie Tales together! I can imagine myself as a nurturing mother, too: taking care of my family, making plans, and creating memories. These thoughts are my inspiration.

Going through all of this also brings up another kind of faith. I've realized that I have been waiting for God to come down and humble me (and maybe that is what he is doing!). In my mind, I had been thinking that God would probably humble me by bringing me down to my knees and having me beg for mercy. I've been bitter with God over the past few years and I believed that he was a mean God. But I'm starting to see that I can choose to be bitter with God by blaming him for everything that goes wrong in my life OR I can choose to be grateful to God for all of the things in my life that are better than I could've ever imagined! Basically, it's like this:

I COULD blame God for . . .
- . . . everything that went wrong when I tried to be a "christian" (this covers a LOT)
- . . . everything that didn't go "the way I had planned" (like college, career, and financial success)
- . . . not letting Tim and I be able to have kids the "natural" (and fun!) way
- . . . IVF being so expensive
- . . . Tim having Cystic Fibrosis
- . . . me not being able to work right now

OR

I COULD THANK GOD FOR . . .

- . . . second chances and forgiveness!!

- . . . getting married early and being able to spend more of my life with my best friend!!

- . . . my previous employer calling me up out-of-the-blue to ask if I could work for him from home!!

- . . . modern technology and the reproductive sciences (that through IVF we might be able to have our own kids)!!

- . . . the line of credit that became available to us exactly when we needed it in order to pay for the IVF!!

- . . . Tim's good health in spite of his CF!!

- . . . not having to work right now (that we are financially secure enough for me to stay home while we go through the in-vitro process!!)

When I realized how much more weight is on the things that I am grateful for, I started to see how much God has always been loving me. Despite my lack of faith, He has always been faithful. He has been true to His nature, as I have been true to mine. Being the bitter woman that I am, I imagined God to be vindictive and cruel. But He cannot be those things. He has never been those things. It is my narrow-minded human nature to blame rather than to thank. I deserved to be brought to my knees, but to my surprise, it was gratitude that brought me there.

I want to believe that no matter what the outcome of this IVF cycle may be that I have learned a valuable lesson: God hasn't changed. This has brought me a peace that I don't think I've ever known before. That is the God that I want to get to know.

New Blog Name

I have changed the title of this blog to more accurately capture the reason why I began blogging in the first place.

According to The American Heritage Dictionary, to create is "to cause" or "to produce." To search is "to look into," "to probe," "to explore," or "to investigate." And insight is "the capacity to discern the true nature of a situation." Therefore, I have produced this blog in order to look into, probe, explore, or invesitgate the capacity to discern the true nature of different situations. It is for my own understanding. It is for me to share my findings along the way. In the words of one of my favorite comedians (Mike Birbiglia) it is my "Secret Public Journal!"

In Preparation for In Vitro

Wow - I can't believe that it is finally happening. After three and a half years of marriage, Tim and I are going to begin the In-Vitro process in an attempt to start a family of our own. There is so much to think about, so much planning to be done, so many changes to make, so much to learn . . . and that is just scratching the surface.

Technology is such an amazing phenomenon. We are so blessed to be alive during this time when there is hope for couples like us who cannot have children naturally on our own. We are so lucky to live so close to the team of doctors who will take us through this process. We are so fortunate that there are resources available to us that didn't even exist just 20 years ago. There are so many reasons to be grateful . . .

Still, there are many factors that weigh us down. There is always the possibility that this may not work for us. That is a hard truth to face when we look at how much this is costing us financially, emotionally, and physically. There are so many uncertainties. This is such a gamble.

Well, we have decided that these are risks that we're willing to take. The hope of a positive outcome (the hope that we might have a child - or two! - of our own) is powerful enough to outweigh the risks and uncertainties.

I will begin the hormone treatments in a few short weeks. After that, the doctor will remove my eggs, fertilize them, and re-implant them over the course of one week. If all goes as planned, we should know by the end of April whether or not it worked. Wow - this is really happening and it is happening now!