The Truth

At some point this blog of mine became more of a newsreel as opposed to its intended purpose of self-expression and personal insight. I had decided that my loyalty was to the readers more so than to myself and therefore began writing what I thought that my readers would want to read. This is the typical reaction that I have as a performer. "Give 'em what they want and lose yourself in the process." This is not to blame the reader. This is me, taking full responsibility for going back down this path of people-pleasing behaviors. I keep trying to break away from this pattern in my life only to discover how fully it has crept back in and taken over.

So this blog post is about truth. I am going to be truly honest about what's really going on. I don't care who reads it or about the responses it might invoke. No one cares about other peoples' opinions when they're writing a journal entry . . . its just their honest emotions and deepest thoughts on paper. Here are my honest emotions and deepest thoughts, on my blog. I'm letting you read it so that you can know who I really am; this is not to impress or please you.

The truth is that I am so scared. I am terrified. Tim's been pretty sick lately. It's a typical cold, but I can hear it in his lungs. Every time he laughs, he coughs. Every time he takes a deep breath, he coughs. Is it an infection? Will he have to be on antibotics? Worse, will he have to get a pick-line IV again? I can tell that he's getting discouraged. Last night, while attaching his insulin pump, he looked up at me and said, "I don't want to have all of these medical problems anymore." I could hear that deep sorrow in his voice and it doesn't sound like self-pity to me. It makes me cry, even now, as I think about it. I know he's so tired of being sick. I don't blame him! I wish that he wasn't sick! I hate that he has CF and diabetes. I hate that he has to take enzymes with every meal in order to gain nutrients from what he eats. I hate that he needs insulin to maintain his blood-sugar levels. I hate that he has to do breathing-treatments three times a day. But I don't want him to stop. I fully understand why he needs those things. I just see how hard it is for him and it breaks my heart. I am so scared that any little sickness could be his last. What if this is it? Now I'm even more fearful of losing him because of what more it would mean. We're having two kids. If something happens to him, I'll be a single-mom. I am so terrified of having a sick husband and two babies to care for. How can I care for each of them, giving equal attention and care to each? Beyond that, how will we survive financially? We have no back-up plan. No savings. Nothing to fall back on. If Tim is sick, he can't work. If he can't work, we have no income and no medical coverage. If I go back to work, who will take care of Tim and the babies? Of course, because of my lack of higher education, I won't be able to get a very well paying job. So how will I support a family of four on my own? And all of those are just the fears surrounding my husband.

I am also terrified of the babies not being healthy. I don't feel like I am emotionally or physically strong enough to handle any more health challenges. I know that my doctors are just trying to keep me prepared when they talk of preterm labor, but all of the talk about it does make me anxious. If the babies are born too soon, they could have a plethora of health problems. Is my body strong enough to carry them for at least 9 more weeks? I feel like I'm bursting already. I am afraid of not being strong enough. I am afraid of having to care for two infants after recovering from labor. I have all kinds of fears about labor. There are so many risks. Talk of a "birth plan" is absurd to me, because my options are so limited. The labor will be performed in a cesarean (surgical) suite, regardless of the type of birth. Everyone will be in scrubs, including my husband (and he will be the only family member I can have with me during that time). Nothing about it sounds sweet and precious. Everything about it sounds like scary, routine hospital stuff. All I want is to be able to touch my babies immediately after they're born, but its doesn't sound like that's an option if I'm going to be tied down to the table. That makes me sad. Once the babies are born, they will be wisked away, and my husband with them. I'll be alone after the most traumatic event in my life. I am so scared of being alone, separated from my babies and my husband.

And there are a whole list of fears that I have about after they're born. What if this thing on Mirabel's brain really is a tumor? What if she needs to stay in the hospital? Or needs brain surgery? Or, what if, by some random act of nature, one of the babies does have CF? My blood was tested and showed that I am not a carrier (both parents need to be carriers for a baby to be at risk for the disease), but what if the test was faulty?

With the risk of preterm labor being so high, I also get fearful that we won't have all of the things that we need when the babies are born. I was trying to pack my hospital bag last night, as suggested, and discovered that I have nothing to pack! I don't have extra clothes that I can pack because all of the clothes that I have I still need to wear (I think I have about a total of 6 outfits that still fit). As for the babies, we have a few clothes, but nothing that seems warm enough or small enough. We don't have the car seats needed to bring them home from the hospital. We don't have a bed for them to sleep in when we bring them home from the hospital. We have no diapers. We have a stroller that is too big for them just yet and we have a crib that is not fully put together because we had to send in parts of it for the recall. I was laying in bed last night anxiously thinking that I needed to go online to purchase the car seats using our credit card so that we can at least bring our babies home from the hospital. My baby shower is in a few weeks, but what if the babies won't wait that long? After all of the contractions I've had lately, I feel more anxious than ever to be prepared, like, yesterday.

I am so fearful. I can get through most of my days without thinking about all of the "what if's," but I needed to just get them all out once and for all. Not thinking about them isn't the solution. When I don't think about them, they somehow find a way to stew and boil over all at once. Or I just shut-down because I get so tired of feeling so out of control. That was my day yesterday. Shut down. There is freedom in letting it all out like this. Now I know what to pray about. Now I know what I need to focus on. When I'm not letting these fears consume me, I am able to think more clearly, care more about other people, and trust that God is (as he always has been) taking good care of me and my family. I have so much to be grateful for. When my fears take over, I can't see how much I really have.

The truth is that I have been given much. Luke 12:48b (NLT) says, "Much is required from those to whom much is given, and much more is required from those to whom much more is given." I believe that God has given me much so that I can give more. I just have to remember what God has given me . . .

I am so grateful for my loving, supportive, and thoughtful husband. Tim is my best friend. We laugh together. We cry together. We pray together. I am more myself around him than anyone else. He knows me best. He understands me better than I understand myself. He is so patient with me. He is always quick to forgive me. He is sensitive and stronger than any man I've ever known. He stands for what's right. He is gentle and sincere. He teaches me about the character of God. He truly is more than I could've ever asked for or imagined in a husband. I am so grateful to be carrying his babies and I can't wait to watch him with our children. I see how generously he loves our friends' kids and I know that he is going to be the most awesome father. He is playful and energetic and fun.

I am so grateful to be carrying twin girls! I think that twins are so special. Twice the gift from God! He must really believe in Tim and I! I am so grateful that I was able to get pregnant and that we were successful on our first IVF cycle. I can clearly see how God truly protected Tim and I from years of grief and pain. I am so grateful every time I feel the babies' movements because it reminds me that they are alive and well (and STRONG!). I am grateful that we have so many generous friends and family members who have had kids before us who have been eager to share their experiences, their baby things, and their expertise! My fears are assaged and I am comforted by being surrounded in so much love!

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV) - "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us THROW OFF EVERYTHING THAT HINDERS and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us. Let us FIX OUR EYES ON JESUS, the author and perfecter of our faith, who FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM ENDURED the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. CONSIDER HIM WHO ENDURED such opposition from sinful men, so that YOU WILL NOT GROW WEARY AND LOSE HEART." (emphasis mine)

I feel much better now. : )