2007 Resolve

Already it is time to ring in the new year! Welcome, 2007! As you might read from my previous post, 2006 was one of the best years of my life and I am confident that 2007 can also be a great year!

I recently read a great article in one of my favorite magazines, Real Simple, called "No More Self-Improvement." I was intrigued by this woman's story:

"I was a harsh judge of my own life, and each year I vowed to make radical changes in order to become a better person . . . my list of resolutions was so long, there was no way I could accomplish it all. Each year I felt like a failure."

Her story is all about how when she became ill, she found a new perspective on resolutions. She would simply resolve to survive. Now, I'm not trying to be morbid here and I know that I am lucky enough not to have to consider that type of resolution. For that I am grateful!! But her story was inspiring:

"So when it comes to the New Year, I resolve only one thing: to do my best and see the next year through. I keep it simple, because I know how hard a single resolution can be."

That says it all for me! That's the secret! So this has helped me to come to my 2007 resolve . . .

• In 2007, I will not hold myself to an impossible standard. I will accept myself, no matter what size I am, what my hair looks like (I love India Arie's "I am not my hair" - great song!!), how my features appear, or how much I feel like a failure. My resolve is to change my internal opinions of myself from negative to accepting.

The rest are just some other random resolutions that I will not end up feeling like a failure for if I do not achieve them . . .

• I want to be able to control my spending habits so that I can help Tim continue to pay off our debt (way to go with handling the finances, honey!!).
• I want to finish, COMPLETE our entire wedding album (so that I can move on to more events!!).
• I want to organize all of our photos chronologically and by event!
• I'd really like to see my business succeed . . . meaning, I'd like to pay off the incurred debt and finally see a profit this year! A good customer base is what I've got to find!! If I can't do this through Creative Memories, I'd like to look into using my creativity in other ways to possibly make some money!
• It would be great if Tim and I could finally start putting money aside to save for a baby! I hope to look more into this in 2007.
• I want to take a trip with my husband to a new place that we've never been before (doesn't have to be a long trip or very far away . . . just a little vacation!).

I'm sure that I could think of more, but those are good for now. What I hope to do is come back to this post throughout the year and highlight these as I complete them. That'd be encouraging! Anyway, Happy New Year and Welcome 2007!!

Reminiscence: Looking Back on a Year in Love

"I look into your eyes and I see

The greatest miracle given to me.

You are the joy of everyday.

Your smile guides my way."

-Shelley Howington

The first year was difficult, not because our love was weak, but because of outside circumstances that affected and changed our lives. Still, I believe those things have made us stronger, as we've seen in 2006. So much can happen in a year . . . let me recount some great things that we've seen and done and experienced over this past year:

• I survived (and so did you!) another one of my "winter storms" and was able to go back to work in February.





• I started my business with Creative Memories in March as my passion for scrapbooking truly began to develop this year.





• You found your first "real job" after having graduated from college. You were able to work so close to home!





• You found another great job just a week after getting laid-off due to cut-backs. In this arena of sales you have found yourself to be very successful!





• We graduated from our tiny studio apartment to a spacious two-bedroom apartment (in this same complex that we love!) in April.





• I was promoted to a position that I love at work.




• We got to take a fun trip to Texas in May to celebrate your cousin's wedding - that was our first plane-trip together since being married!





• We went down to Santa Cruz for my grandmother's family reunion in July.





• I was able to take a trip to Minnesota in August for a conference with Creative Memories.





• We've met some of the best friends we've had together since being married in August - another young, married couple with similar life circumstances (we love you, Simon & Andrea!).





• We went with our friends to our first Corn Maze together (my first ever!) in October.





• We were provided the "once-in-a-lifetime" opportunity (that we gratefully took advantage of!!) to go sailing with your Aunt and Uncle in the Caribbean for ten days in November!





• I've made it through the season thus far without my usual "blue-period."





• We hosted our first Christmas with your family here in our apartment on Christmas Day!





• We've hosted more dinners, poker-nights, scrapbooking crops, and other fun gatherings this year!





• We definately had fewer fights this year!





• We definately had a lot more FUN this year!!





• We've definately fallen deeper in LOVE this year!!!

And now we're going to start another new year; the path ahead of us is uncharted and unknown. But I am confident that this can be another great year of laughter and love because we've seen how it is possible. I understand that the ups and downs are inevitable, but together we can make it through!! Timothy, I am more in love you today than I have ever been and my love for you continues to grow stronger everyday! You are my best friend, my true love, and my soul mate!! I love you!!

Come

Come with me

to a place unseen

by a thing called time,

still pure.

Let us drift

through the air

simply

breathing in the beauty;

it is all around us.

And there is much

we have yet to see;

the grandeur here

is just a glimpse

of the forgotten glory

nature beholds.

Remember

what you see now;

soon time will find this too,

it's enveloping power

is far greater

than this single

fleeting moment.

Let this picture

remain clear

in your mind,

safe,

secure,

strong,

and pure still.

Why we FIGHT

Is it really because men are from Mars and women are from Venus? It sure seems that way sometimes. Different planets, different interpretations.

From experience, I'd say that most of the fights that my husband and I have are a result of a lack of communication. Basically, I insinuate what I want and he interprets the obvious rather than reading into my subtle implications. Classic!

For example . . . My husband unexpectedly announces to me one evening that he'd like to treat me to a Starbucks beverage of my choice. I gleefully begin to anticipate this treat. Later, however, after grocery shopping and spending more than projected, he somberly tells me that it would no longer be a wise idea to go for the Starbucks treat that evening. I wilt and it is apparent, and I immediately felt guilty for desiring something that was beyond our means. As I put away the groceries, I casually hint that we will be paid our next paychecks soon, so we might be able to manage one small drink from my favorite place. He then reminds me of the amount of days until that time and of how much we just spent at the grocery store. Again, I am deflated. Then he decided that he would check our bank account transaction register to see what our balance would be after the deduction of the groceries, but continues to insist on our lack of money. After checking, he realizes that we are well in the green and that it wouldn't hurt us too much to get a couple of hot drinks. Meanwhile, I'd already begun to shut-down, telling myself that I must let go of the excitement of a longing fulfilled. But then he tells me that we can afford it, even though he had just convinced me that it was too much for us. I told him that I didn't want the drink anymore because of the guilt I was feeling about wanting this "expensive" simple pleasure! And then he became upset because I was upset and then we were both mad and then the drink was no longer the issue! Ultimately, I was convinced that we would have enough money for a simple Starbucks beverage and that is why I became upset when he changed his mind about "treating" me to this small luxury that he had tempted me with. And he, ultimately, was only trying to be consciencious about our finances! No one was wrong here . . . we just didn't clearly point out what the real issue was: money and a simple commitment to follow through with what was anticipated.

This isn't a typical fight - this wasn't that big of a deal. It was resolved relatively quickly because it really wasn't going to be an issue if I didn't see the Starbucks beverage and my husband would've let the money issue go.
But most of the time, fights start off as some stupid little issue and then snowballs into some huge ordeal. I recently watched this movie called "The Breakup" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Great acting. Funny. But honestly, I hate this kind of movie because you see both sides and you know what needs to happen and what needs to be said and it just kills you that those conversations just aren't happening! I could name a few other movies like that . . . "Little Black Book" with Brittany Murphy, "How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days" with Kate Hudson & Matthew McConaughey, "13 Going-On 30" with Jennifer Garner, "Two Weeks Notice" with Sandra Bullock & Hugh Grant, etc.! Basically, a ton of those "chick-flicks!" What I'm saying is, whenever there are a build-up of lies or even simply just 'omitted' words, there will be an infestation of bitterness that will be a ticking-time-bomb.

So, my conclusion is simply that we - as in human-kind - fight as a result of words unsaid. Because men and woman think so differently, men cannot interpret what women insinuate and women cannot seem to express themselves in words that men comprehend without a buildup of unspoken words - emotions. It seems that women tend to show what they mean and men tend to do what they mean. Again, no one is at fault. But I believe that if we can learn to try and think from the perspective of our respective mates, then we all might get along just a little bit better! I am, by no means, any kind of doctor, scientist, sociologist, phsyciatrist, therapist, or even philosopher . . . so this may all amount to nothing. It is simply my interpretation, my understanding, my observation. Take it for what its worth and do with it what you will.

Wait! Let me also throw this in there . . . I do think that it is healthy to fight - that we need to fight (not physically - duh) to truly get to know one another better - in any relationship. To fight is merely to have a disagreement and to talk about different aspects of the issue until a common ground or resolution is found (my definition). I know that when I look at couples, older couples, people who have been married for, like, over 50 years, that they have gone through some good fights, ups and downs, to get to that point. And I see it as admirable, lovely, beautiful to grow a love that endures through it all. That's where I see me and my husband down the road . . . in a love that grows deeper throughout all of the fights, gaining a greater understanding of each other for the rest of our lives.

Let me count the ways . . .

A great gift has been bestowed upon me,

a gift that I have vowed to protect with the utmost care.

It is a gift of the most true love there ever was,

a gift of the best of all friends.

I am no different from any other

so I am sure that I am unworthy of such a mighty gift.

But even this he assures me is not true.

You see, this precious gift of mine, he loves me, too.

I don't know how he knew so long ago of what would come of this

but his persevering faith captured my heart.

He is the kind I read about in storybooks,

the kind I didn't believe existed.

He is the kind of gift that never stops giving

and that is because his heart is genuine and pure,

a rare treasure when chivalry is seemingly dead.

He is a gentleman, a gentle man.

He possesses a heart of sincerity and compassion,

eager to offer his hand or his hold.

He is righteous and steadfast,

an example of truth as he walks in the light.

There aren't enough words to praise my true love

because his character surpasses them all in action.

He is my lovely gift

and I am honored to be his, too.

**This is, of course, dedicated to my amazing husband who has been so incredibly supportive and loving no matter what we go through!! I love you, my SuperMan!! **

Here are some of my FAVORITE quotes that I dedicate to the Love of my Life . . .

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be. The last of life for which the first was made." - Robert Browning

"I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you, not only for what you have made of yourself but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." - Roy Croft

"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous

"Once in a while, Right in the middle of an ordinary life, Love gives us a fairy tale." - Anonymous

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie the Pooh

I love you. <3

Shine on, Bright Light, Shine on

Where have you come from? Clearly you are not from this dark place in which I often reside. No . . . you are different. I do not recognize you as someone I know. I have not ever known someone like you. You aren't like the rest who came before, who once inhabited this somber place.

Your light shines so bright, so bright that I am afraid . . . but I am drawn. I want to come near to you, to know you and to become secure around you. Then I fear you and doubt that this could be real because the darkness pulls and fights to keep me down. And I decided, after the last mirage passed, that I had stopped believing in brightness altogether.

I know that to be near you is to be up and to be filled with your same brightness. I know that if you would consider staying in this place then I would have to change. Ultimately, I think this is what I fear most. This darkness that has enveloped me has had me convinced that change was not something that I was capable of.

Somehow your light shined its way into this hard, black place that is my heart. I don't understand why you would want to stay, but because you have, I just might have something to hold onto, to believe in and trust again. The fear is still real, but the light is more powerful than the dark and this is a glimmer of hope.

I had given up on friendships because my heart had been crushed so many times before. With no faith in recovery, I surrendered to dispair and the darkness swallowed me whole. Thank you for showing me that I can love and be loved once again and maybe for real this time. I have no further reason for looking down at my feet because your light shines ahead of me, differentiating black and white, dark and light, renewing the colors I thought I'd never see. Your true colors are beautiful, like a rainbow. Shine on, bright light, shine on.

Snapshots

I absolutely love taking pictures. Not in the professional, make-money-for-your-pictures kind of way, but the relaxed, still, "Kodak Moments" of life that can be captured and frozen in time. It's poetic, really, to take a picture and suspend a moment. The moment can be recaptured again and again whenever it is revisited. Whenever I take pictures, I know that I am snapping little shots of the intricate details of my life that I can review again and again as reminders of who I am and where I've been and things I've done and people I've spent time with.



I also really enjoy watching other people take pictures. It's like watching a memory in-the-making. I like to look at the pictures produced. The pictures taken allow its viewers an opportunity to see life through the eyes behind the lense. I consider it a shared gift to behold what someone else found valuable enough to be worth capturing in a snapshot, worth preserving in a photo. Sharing photos is sharing the details of life that are precious enough to hold onto. And that is a very special gift to share indeed.



Time changes everything. People and places and things all change. But a photo remains. The picture cannot change. It is still and sure. Maybe this is why I respect the powerful nature of photography. I respect that my pictures tell me how it was, without question or doubt. It is fact. It is truth. It is my life in pieces. It is up to me to maintain these details as constant reminders of who I am and where I've come from. Scrapbooking has become such a huge part of my life in my endeavors to preserve my past, to enrich my present and to inspire hope for my future (LoL! CM's tagline, I know, I know! It just really makes sense to me). I want to be able to pass on my memories to the generations to follow me, not for them to simply remember me, but for them to be inspired themselves to treasure their own exsistance, documenting the stories that they will make throughout their journey. There is so much beauty yet to be kept in the snapshots of our lives and the lives to that will proceed ours. I think that is worth collecting and documenting along the way!

I'll end with a quote from one of my favorite movies - "Just Married!" When the father of the male main character spoke these words, I had to write them down because there is so much truth within them and this is why scrapbooking is important in telling the story behind the pictures . . .
"You never see the hard days in a photo album . . . but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next."

Bits & Pieces

When I was in Minneapolis, Minnesota, on a bus going from here to there, I happend to see this on a wall and I stared at it for a minute before actually taking this picture. I had to consider what it might mean . . .



I thought of BITS & PIECES . . . a bunch little things (anything, really) and then watching them come together artistically, beautifully, and creatively . . . like this picture I found . . .

And then I thought about this a little deeper. Like life. What am I but a bunch of BITS & PIECES of experiences, feelings, thoughts, lessons, and ideas? All of the pieces of me are brought together to PRESENT A SEMBLANCE OF A WHOLE, though I am not completely whole. I am just a SEMBLANCE . . .

SEMBLANCE = 1. An outward token or appearance. 2. A likeness 3. The barest trace

It looks like a heart. That is the appearance of it. If you trace the outline, you might barely see that a heart is there. But really it is all just a bunch of BITS & PIECES of scraps put together. And what it is altogether is somehow whole. Each PIECE plays its role in creating the bigger picture, the SEMBLANCE OF A WHOLE. And it is beautiful in its own way.

Again, I say that is life. Somedays, I may not appear to be whole of myself. I would say that it could be the BITS & PIECES of my day that came together in the way that they did. Somedays, I might appear to have it all together, as if I am somehow whole. I would say that it could be the BITS & PIECES of my life that came together to create this SEMBLANCE. And my life includes the people that touch it. I would say that they are the way to trace the outline of my life. Where there are PIECES missing, that is where I am not whole. That is where I have needs. I believe that somehow we all have these needs to be filled by other people. And ultimately, somehow, we all come together to PRESENT A SEMBLANCE OF A WHOLE.

Free-Write

When I was in school, I remember doing this thing called "Free-Write," where you just sit for a specified amount of time and write. Write about anything that comes into your mind. Write about what you think, feel, want, need, love, hate, or whatever else might pop into your mind. I've thought about this concept and decided that a "Free-Write" might make a cool post. So here goes . . . for 15 minutes . . . its 10:55pm right now . . . I'll stop at 11:10pm . . .

Wow. That cookie was super good! I wonder who thought of a microwavable-instant cookie? They are genius! And where would I be without that milk? Good stuff. . .
So what to write . . . I want to write something great, something philosophical, something beautiful, something elaborate, something touching . . . hmm . . . my muse has left the room. I miss blogging. Geez, I haven't done it in so long that now my mind can't focus these thoughts into one readable moment! Time flies. It seems like it was just last week that I was all crazy into blogging. Now I've gotten distracted by other things; I've forgotten what it meant to me to throw my words out there without regard . . . throwing my thoughts into the wind. I don't know if anyone will ever catch them. They are gone. It doesn't matter what happens to them. All that matters to me is that they are out. Why? Why does it help me to let those words go? Maybe its because I've got so much running through my mind ALL THE TIME that giving some of those thoughts up is refreshing! It's a release. I've been bottled up for so long. I just want to find myself free from the words, the thoughts, the posts of my mind! Hmm . . . I'm starting to feel sleepy. I suppose it is getting late. I'm so glad that I don't have to work tomorrow. What will I do with my time? I've forgotten what its like to have a day off in the middle of the week for no specific reason. I guess its "me" time, like I read about in that article Andrea sent me. I guess the Tuesdays are supposed to be the days that I renew my heart, my body, my spirit. I want to use the time to write. To blog. To post. To get rid of the thoughts and the words lingering still in my head. Why am I so consumed with the things spinning around in my head? Where has my heart gone in all of this? I'm pretty sure its still locked up tight. I don't know, though. It seems like I've found someone who might be able to unlock the hardness embittered into my heart . . . should I be afraid? I know I've rushed into friendships before. But look where that's got me . . . I don't know who I can trust to truly be a friend, so I'm just gonna hold back some. I don't want to end up alone again, feeling hopeless and crushed. Its so hard to trust. But it seems so easy to forget that! Maybe that's how I've ended up here, on the defensive side, where I tell myself I am safe. Ha! There is no safety! The truth is that I think I will always hurt in the places where traces of old friends long since out of my life have left their fingerprints on my heart. Those never seem to heal back to the way my heart once was. I don't know. I guess I'm just being totally negative and . . . well, I don't know. This is the truth. This is how it comes out when I speak it. I guess it can be controversial depending on who reads it! But I've gotta be me, even if its not who other people think I am . . .

Whoa! That's it! It's 11:11pm and I'm done! Welcome to the mind of me! See how it works? I know that this isn't representative of everything - gosh, how could it?! Well, it was kind of relaxing. I'm pretty sure that no one really reads this stuff anyway, so it was fun for me! Well, I suppose that I should be off to bed now! Since I don't have to go to work, I think I will write another post tomorrow . . . I know I've still got so much more to express into this little blog of mine, tucked in a miniature corner of the worldwide web that we call the internet! G'night world!

To Write Again

It's been so long! The trouble was that our internet screening program has begun to block blogger. I suppose that is because obscene things are popping up on other blogs. What a bummer.

I've missed writing. I was just telling my husband yesterday how I wish that I could make time for writing because it truly does help me to sort out my thoughts and feelings. Its refreshing to me. I suppose it is easier for me to do so through the computer because I get the words out much quicker than hand-writing.

But I've been expressing myself in other ways. Scrapbooking has become a huge part of my life, as a hobby and as a side business. It is so relaxing to grab some old photos, recall the precious memories captured, and re-tell the story on a page for an album. It is meaningful to me. And I feel good about taking care of my pictures rather than just tossing them in some albums without putting any stories behind them. With my business, I have learned the value of using quality photo-preservation supplies in order to archive my memories and I want to share that with everyone! It is a lot of work to maintain a business and to keep up with my regular day-job. But it is all worth it to me if I can teach someone else how to preserve their memories. You can check out my website at: www.mycmsite.com/jessicacrose

My husband and I have also been busy entertaining our friends and family. From dinners to all-day crops, there is always something more to look forward to! We definately love to have company over - I remember having a lot of excited conversations about that when we were dating! Its wonderful having a bigger place where more people can come over and hang out!

Another recent and exciting event was the celebration of our 2-year wedding anniversary! I can hardly believe how fast the time has past! It really seems like it was just yesterday that I walked down that isle to make promises of forever to my best friend! And I have to honestly say that I wouldn't change a thing - I am more in love than I have ever been and I still believe that everything we've been through has taught us and shaped us into who we are today, a young married couple still learning the ropes TOGETHER! I love you, Timothy!

Overall, I can't complain! Life is treating me well and I could not ask for more! I'm having a lot of fun and I'm still learning a lot! Life is good!

And I'm back to blog!

My Scrapbooking Endeavors

I absolutely love to scrapbook!! I recently started selling scrapbooking and photo-preservation supplies and materials through a company called Creative Memories®. This has sparked even more of my desire to pursue my creative hobby. I wanted to share with you some of my most recent pages. These are from an album of all of the events leading up to my wedding, starting with the day that Tim proposed! It's so amazing what this does for me, seeing these photos again and again as I figure out the layouts for my pages. It reminds me of how incredable our love story is and how grateful I am to be married to my best friend. He has made so many of my life-long dreams come true and scrapbooking is my material way of cherishing those precious memories!

Printed note reads: "SSSHHH!!! It's a Surprise!!! Come and celebrate the Engagement of Tim and Jessica on Saturday April 3rd, 2004. 8pm at Ciocolat: Extraordinary Desserts (address and parking info follows). Davis has a ton of great restaurants! Have a date in town, then meet us to celebrate! (Tim's contact info follows) REMEMBER: NOT A WORD TO JESSICA!!!"

Handwritten note reads: "What a fun date! By some kind of miracle, I caught Jenny's bouquet! And if that wasn't exciting enough, the guys helped Tim get the garter! I wonder what's next . . . "

THE PROPOSAL

Written note reads: "For our evening date, Tim told me that he had made dinner reservations for us at a resteraunt called Illa Baggio's. But before going there he wanted to take me on a prayer-walk around the U.C. Davis Arboretum to thank God for our relationship. As we finished we came upon a lovely gazebo with a table set for two. Rose petals had been sprinkled all around and candles provided light. As we sat, our friends Mike and Jackie appeared to welcome us to Illa Baggio's!"

Writting along the side of the rose reads: "After a short dance, Tim sang a song he wrote to me, then got down on one knee . . . "

Scripture reads: "I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me . . ." Hosea 2:19-20 (NLT)

Written note reads: "Without hesitation, I said YES!! After catching my breath, we began to pack up so we could make our dessert reservations . . . which turned out to be our ENGAGEMENT PARTY! I was so suprised and excited to see so many friends and my PARENTS! Everyone had known about all of this because of the little flier Tim secretly passed around. The desserts at this place, Ciocolat, were so delicious! WOW! So many of my dreams coming true!"

Written note reads: "It was so amazing to see our families and friends all together here to celebrate with us! It was fun! We all talked and laughed as we retold the story of the proposal until everyone had heard. On a small table people were signing a paper with our pictures on it and the lyrics of the song Tim wrote and sang to me. What a great way to preserve the memories that our friends and family could share with us! Now, let the WEDDING PLANNING begin!!"

Sticker reads: "Two families unite when love joins two hearts."

DRESS HUNTING

Written note reads: "Only a few short weeks after the proposal, the dress-hunt was on. The first stop was DAVID'S BRIDAL in Hercules. As a central meeting place, a few of the soon-to-be bridesmaids came along to help out and try on a few dresses as well! I wanted them to be able to pick out their own styles while having the same material."

BRIDE-TO-BE

Written note reads: "I felt like a princess in a fairy tale while I was trying on all of those beautiful dresses! With my cousin, my best friend, and my soon-to-be sister-in-law by my side, I tried on over a dozen dresses! This one here, to the right was my favorite! But since this was only my first stop, I didn't want to rush into this decision of chosing my wedding dress. I am still in awe of how my dreams are coming true!"

I really had fun creating and recreating these pages. I think I am learning more and more with every page that I do! Tomorrow I get to go to an all-day scrapbooking event where I am sure to get more pages completed! I'm so excited! So I hope that you've enjoyed this preview of my art!