Is this all you see when you look at me?

Photo Taken on Thursday, October 16th, 2008

Eyes divert immediately to the protruding mass where my stomach used to be. And it will be larger still. Can anyone see me in here?

I am a full-time baby-developing system. This body is not my own. I'm sharing it, warmly and delicately, with two precious, thriving beings. This is about them. All about them. Not about me.

10-15-08 Ultrasound

Isn't she precious?! We finally got a good pic of Morriah! Her profile is so cute! We didn't get any good photos of Mirabel this time. Morriah is a pretty big girl for her age and has begun to take up more space in the womb. Mirabel is a little smaller than Morriah, but is still average size for her age. Now its Mirabel who is being squished! Seeing them was the highlight of our week! : )

The Truth

At some point this blog of mine became more of a newsreel as opposed to its intended purpose of self-expression and personal insight. I had decided that my loyalty was to the readers more so than to myself and therefore began writing what I thought that my readers would want to read. This is the typical reaction that I have as a performer. "Give 'em what they want and lose yourself in the process." This is not to blame the reader. This is me, taking full responsibility for going back down this path of people-pleasing behaviors. I keep trying to break away from this pattern in my life only to discover how fully it has crept back in and taken over.

So this blog post is about truth. I am going to be truly honest about what's really going on. I don't care who reads it or about the responses it might invoke. No one cares about other peoples' opinions when they're writing a journal entry . . . its just their honest emotions and deepest thoughts on paper. Here are my honest emotions and deepest thoughts, on my blog. I'm letting you read it so that you can know who I really am; this is not to impress or please you.

The truth is that I am so scared. I am terrified. Tim's been pretty sick lately. It's a typical cold, but I can hear it in his lungs. Every time he laughs, he coughs. Every time he takes a deep breath, he coughs. Is it an infection? Will he have to be on antibotics? Worse, will he have to get a pick-line IV again? I can tell that he's getting discouraged. Last night, while attaching his insulin pump, he looked up at me and said, "I don't want to have all of these medical problems anymore." I could hear that deep sorrow in his voice and it doesn't sound like self-pity to me. It makes me cry, even now, as I think about it. I know he's so tired of being sick. I don't blame him! I wish that he wasn't sick! I hate that he has CF and diabetes. I hate that he has to take enzymes with every meal in order to gain nutrients from what he eats. I hate that he needs insulin to maintain his blood-sugar levels. I hate that he has to do breathing-treatments three times a day. But I don't want him to stop. I fully understand why he needs those things. I just see how hard it is for him and it breaks my heart. I am so scared that any little sickness could be his last. What if this is it? Now I'm even more fearful of losing him because of what more it would mean. We're having two kids. If something happens to him, I'll be a single-mom. I am so terrified of having a sick husband and two babies to care for. How can I care for each of them, giving equal attention and care to each? Beyond that, how will we survive financially? We have no back-up plan. No savings. Nothing to fall back on. If Tim is sick, he can't work. If he can't work, we have no income and no medical coverage. If I go back to work, who will take care of Tim and the babies? Of course, because of my lack of higher education, I won't be able to get a very well paying job. So how will I support a family of four on my own? And all of those are just the fears surrounding my husband.

I am also terrified of the babies not being healthy. I don't feel like I am emotionally or physically strong enough to handle any more health challenges. I know that my doctors are just trying to keep me prepared when they talk of preterm labor, but all of the talk about it does make me anxious. If the babies are born too soon, they could have a plethora of health problems. Is my body strong enough to carry them for at least 9 more weeks? I feel like I'm bursting already. I am afraid of not being strong enough. I am afraid of having to care for two infants after recovering from labor. I have all kinds of fears about labor. There are so many risks. Talk of a "birth plan" is absurd to me, because my options are so limited. The labor will be performed in a cesarean (surgical) suite, regardless of the type of birth. Everyone will be in scrubs, including my husband (and he will be the only family member I can have with me during that time). Nothing about it sounds sweet and precious. Everything about it sounds like scary, routine hospital stuff. All I want is to be able to touch my babies immediately after they're born, but its doesn't sound like that's an option if I'm going to be tied down to the table. That makes me sad. Once the babies are born, they will be wisked away, and my husband with them. I'll be alone after the most traumatic event in my life. I am so scared of being alone, separated from my babies and my husband.

And there are a whole list of fears that I have about after they're born. What if this thing on Mirabel's brain really is a tumor? What if she needs to stay in the hospital? Or needs brain surgery? Or, what if, by some random act of nature, one of the babies does have CF? My blood was tested and showed that I am not a carrier (both parents need to be carriers for a baby to be at risk for the disease), but what if the test was faulty?

With the risk of preterm labor being so high, I also get fearful that we won't have all of the things that we need when the babies are born. I was trying to pack my hospital bag last night, as suggested, and discovered that I have nothing to pack! I don't have extra clothes that I can pack because all of the clothes that I have I still need to wear (I think I have about a total of 6 outfits that still fit). As for the babies, we have a few clothes, but nothing that seems warm enough or small enough. We don't have the car seats needed to bring them home from the hospital. We don't have a bed for them to sleep in when we bring them home from the hospital. We have no diapers. We have a stroller that is too big for them just yet and we have a crib that is not fully put together because we had to send in parts of it for the recall. I was laying in bed last night anxiously thinking that I needed to go online to purchase the car seats using our credit card so that we can at least bring our babies home from the hospital. My baby shower is in a few weeks, but what if the babies won't wait that long? After all of the contractions I've had lately, I feel more anxious than ever to be prepared, like, yesterday.

I am so fearful. I can get through most of my days without thinking about all of the "what if's," but I needed to just get them all out once and for all. Not thinking about them isn't the solution. When I don't think about them, they somehow find a way to stew and boil over all at once. Or I just shut-down because I get so tired of feeling so out of control. That was my day yesterday. Shut down. There is freedom in letting it all out like this. Now I know what to pray about. Now I know what I need to focus on. When I'm not letting these fears consume me, I am able to think more clearly, care more about other people, and trust that God is (as he always has been) taking good care of me and my family. I have so much to be grateful for. When my fears take over, I can't see how much I really have.

The truth is that I have been given much. Luke 12:48b (NLT) says, "Much is required from those to whom much is given, and much more is required from those to whom much more is given." I believe that God has given me much so that I can give more. I just have to remember what God has given me . . .

I am so grateful for my loving, supportive, and thoughtful husband. Tim is my best friend. We laugh together. We cry together. We pray together. I am more myself around him than anyone else. He knows me best. He understands me better than I understand myself. He is so patient with me. He is always quick to forgive me. He is sensitive and stronger than any man I've ever known. He stands for what's right. He is gentle and sincere. He teaches me about the character of God. He truly is more than I could've ever asked for or imagined in a husband. I am so grateful to be carrying his babies and I can't wait to watch him with our children. I see how generously he loves our friends' kids and I know that he is going to be the most awesome father. He is playful and energetic and fun.

I am so grateful to be carrying twin girls! I think that twins are so special. Twice the gift from God! He must really believe in Tim and I! I am so grateful that I was able to get pregnant and that we were successful on our first IVF cycle. I can clearly see how God truly protected Tim and I from years of grief and pain. I am so grateful every time I feel the babies' movements because it reminds me that they are alive and well (and STRONG!). I am grateful that we have so many generous friends and family members who have had kids before us who have been eager to share their experiences, their baby things, and their expertise! My fears are assaged and I am comforted by being surrounded in so much love!

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV) - "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us THROW OFF EVERYTHING THAT HINDERS and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us. Let us FIX OUR EYES ON JESUS, the author and perfecter of our faith, who FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM ENDURED the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. CONSIDER HIM WHO ENDURED such opposition from sinful men, so that YOU WILL NOT GROW WEARY AND LOSE HEART." (emphasis mine)

I feel much better now. : )

10-10-08 Prenatal Appointment

We had a great prenatal appointment on Friday. God is really taking great care of me and the babies! The doctor did a brief ultrasound and was very impressed with how active the girls were. The doctor also encouraged me that I am gaining an adequate amount of weight, that my cervix is still closed (so that is a good sign that preterm labor won't be happening anytime too soon!), and that I do not have gestational diabetes. Per our request, she took some snapshots of the girls while doing the ultrasound! Here are the girls' bellies - side by side!




Morriah was not in a position that enabled us to really get a good look at her face. Mirabel, who has been eager to pose for pictures in the past, was very willing to give us a little show! Below is Mirabel about to suck her thumb (or pick her nose?). It was so cool to see!

This was another profile shot that the doctor snapped for us of Mirabel.

We are so excited about our little girls! Everyday we pray for their continued health and that they will be ready for this world when the time comes for them to be born. We have another (longer) ultrasound on Wednesday to more accurately measure their development. This is the more advanced ultrasound that I go in to have done once a month.

Friday's appointment was very positive, but yesterday I had a lot more contractions than I've ever had in a single day. I am almost 28-weeks along and 37-weeks is a full-term pregnancy for twins, so I've still got to keep these little buns in my oven for at least 9 more weeks! Please pray for us! The other outcome from Friday's appointment was that my lab tests show I am still anemic. It is not uncommon to be anemic while carrying twins, but I do worry that I am not providing enough of what the babies need. According to my doctor, the babies will take what they need before my body meets its own needs. I am comforted by that, but still need to increase my iron intake so that my own body can be strong enough to support the both babies and myself. We appreciate your prayers!!

The Cadillac of Strollers!

This is the one! We bought our stroller this weekend and I love it! It is pretty big (hence the title of this post), but it fits into our car after all (to our great relief). It is the Graco DuoGlider in the Jungle Adventure pattern, made specifically for Target stores. We didn't get it from Target, though. A friendly CraigsList entrepreneur sold it to us - brand new - for $80 (it retails for $140). I took the picture below with the canopies removed because the stroller fits into our trunk much better without them attached.




Isn't this pattern so cute?! I am not inclined to get everything in pink just because we're having two girls and I think green is a nice, neutral color.

Now that we've got the stroller, our next big purchases will be the two infant car seats, which this stroller is designed to hold. One of the reasons why I love this stroller is that the kids can grow into it. We won't have to buy a new stroller after the kids outgrow their car seats. We'll reattach the canopies when the kids outgrow their car seats (the car seats have their own canopies).

So why am I posting about a stroller? It is exciting to me when we purchase baby items . . . it makes the reality of the babies' impending arrival more real to me. I think it also has to do with fulfilling a deep need that I have to feel prepared in advance for any major changes that I have in my life. I am nesting. Maybe that is why I so enjoyed creating the registries at Target and Babies R Us? I was like that preparing for my wedding, too. I wonder if this goes way back to my days as a Girl Scout? The motto was: "always be prepared!" I plan to! (LoL)

Strollers and Car Seats and Cribs . . . Oh My!!

What a whirlwind these past few weeks have been! I haven't been too busy, considering the "activity restrictions" that my doctor has me on, but somehow the time still gets away from me. I can't believe its been so long since I've posted.

What I have been doing: NESTING.

Last Saturday, Tim and I went to Babies R Us (our first time going together). I was so excited to be able to show him what I had registered for and I was looking forward to getting his opinions. But the main reason we went was to try out the Graco® DuoGlider double-stroller that I have been considering. It is one of the few double-strollers that accommodates two infant car seats and can still be used well into toddler-hood! Sounds perfect, right?! Absolutely! And I still love it, even after realizing how heavy it is (because ANY double-stroller is going to be heavy!). The discouragement set in when we folded up the stroller and recognized that it appears to be too big for our trunk. Of course, we haven't actually been able to attempt putting this stroller in our trunk, but even if we did manage to fit it in, there wouldn't be any room left for shopping bags or whatever else we might be transporting. I think that this was when it finally hit me: we really have NO IDEA what we're in for . . .

After the stroller saga, we headed to the line to return our scanner. As we were standing in line, I was noticing the posters of items being recalled and my attention was drawn to the cribs. To my shock and disappointment, our crib was one of them. I was immediately fearful that we would not be able to get a replacement crib since we are not the original owners (and therefore have no paperwork on it). I was also discouraged because I love our crib! It was exactly the crib I had been hoping for! And, truthfully, I didn't want to have to go through crib-shopping all over again.

The good news is that since then, we have received a packet containing information on how to receive a voucher good for the purchase of a brand new crib. We aren't required to provide proof-of-purchase, just proof of ownership (we are required to send it all of the bolts and screws that hold the crib together). So that was a relief! : )

So besides the lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) of the baby world, I am getting more and more excited about meeting my little girls soon! It is amazing how much they move and how fast they're (we're) growing! Tim and I were able to attend a class just for (soon-to-be) parents of multiples last week and we were given a hospital tour of the maternity ward. The best part was getting to peak in the window of the NICU to see a set of twins that had just been born the day before. They were so tiny (about 5 pounds each), but absolutely adorable!! I think that was when it finally hit me: these two little creatures wrestling inside of me are my babies that I will get to hold VERY SOON! And I am so thrilled!!