More Roses!

The following pictures are from the bouquet of roses that my husband brought home for me the other day (what a guy, huh?!). They are so beautiful that I wanted to share them with the world!! (Oh, and I should say . . . great pictures come from great cameras! - Thanks again, hon!)

Aren't they stunning? If you are interested, feel free to use them. My one condition is that you let me know how you used them and who's day you made in doing so! : )

A Rose is Still a Rose

A rose of many colors

A rose is still a rose.

Call it as you see it

Inside it's still the same.

Seasons change and wind blows

But a rose will still grow.

Changes every year

The roots are stronger still.

Buds will loose their petals

Yet the beauty does remain.

A rose is still a rose

Let's watch it grow and bloom and rise.

-Jessica Rose

Clarification: What's going on here? I will explain . . .

Dear Reader,

After reading (and re-reading) some of the recent comments regarding the post, "What's Going on Here?" I thought that I would really like to clear a few things up. I believe my words may have been misinterpreted from the way I meant to express them.

First of all I'd like to say that I really do appreciate the honesty of your comments. But I guess I just didn't realize that people really are reading this stuff that I post! Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the feedback I get when people do read Me laid out in these posts. And I know that this is the internet, a place where I share my thoughts with whoever may find interest here. Public. From the start I have said that I do like to write and I think it would be beneficial for me to put myself out there so that I can be refined. As I have also said, I still have so much to learn and I know that I am still growing up and haven't got it all figured out. From the start I intended for this blog to be a place where I could vent, journal, create, and express myself. But I think that I may have been a little too raw with this one.

When I wrote this post, I was not searching for any kind of pity, comfort, or sympathy. I did not think, as I wrote, that my life was so terrible as I seem to have portrayed. In fact, I quite enjoy my life! I am well aware that I am extremely fortunate and that I have a lot of things that make my life easier that I don't deserve any more than the next person. I often tell my husband how when I was a little girl I had in mind very clearly what I wanted in life. I honestly did not expect that these dreams would come true and so early in my life. I would not trade this for the world or even great health! I already have what so many people never have the chance to experience. That's incredible to me. I am amazed every day. We've got the best cat (so I consider us a family, and if you know Monster you would understand why!), an awesome, lovely new two-bedroom apartment, cars that we are happy and satisfied with and still so much more! But even more than all of that, I am so eternally grateful to know that I've got the love of my talented and amazing husband, my wonderful family, and my faithful friends. And with that I also have the opportunity to give back and love them forever. As far as I am concerned, that's what life is really all about: love.

I may have neglected to mention this in the post, but I do understand that things could be a lot worse in perspective for my health. The post was written during a rough MOMENT in time, in my life. Just simply a moment in which I felt the need to write (post) in such a way to express myself. I use writing as a tool to combat whatever self-piteous thoughts that may arise. Most of the time I choose NOT to wallow in such emotions but instead to write them out, to purge them from within me so that I will not hang onto them any longer.

In keeping with this honesty I will admit that certain events, even beyond health issues, have sorely affected my faith in a higher power. There are many things that I have believed for a very long time, even most of my life, that I do not believe. I am sure that this will come as a surprise to some and will stir up more opinions and comments. But basically this is just where I am at right now. As I said, I know that I am still young and have a lot to learn and I plan on living a full life that will allow time for me to stop and re-evaluate like this. To reconsider. To rediscover. Or even to begin anew. I've decided that I will not claim devotion to anything unless I know that I can fully devote my heart and soul without excuse or question. I am still just trying to figure myself out and I don't want to just go-with-the-flow. I want to be me for me through and through. I believe that I will have so much more to give as I learn to become genuine - the genuine me.

So, in conclusion, I'll tell you that my life is by no means over, regardless if my post made it seem like that is what I was thinking at the time. Life can be harder than I might want it to be at times, but I know, yes, everyone goes through that! But I will choose not be crushed. I will learn - even if its the 'hard way.' And when I do feel like my health is slowing me down, please rest assured that I am and will still be clinging on to this life (with all of my limbs!), doing the best I can. I sincerely hope that this letter clears up some things that I may have confused in my previous writing. I still want to hear what you think from here on and I thank you for your loving thoughts and heart-felt comments. I am also grateful that you do read my blog and in the future I hope to express myself, my words, and my meaning more clearly.

With all my heart,
-Jess

Rush

Rush

Faster now,

you've got precious little time.

Hurry

Pick up your pace,

this clock won't stop ticking for you.

Move

With increasing speed,

you're running out of time.

Now Wait

Slow down to recompose,

it's time to go inside.

Stroll

Just one foot in front of the other,

to make it to your desk in time.

Step

Into the racing atmosphere,

the beginning of your time to work.

Now sit

Slower still to catch your breath,

you're just in time as usual.

Lean

Back with ease in your chair,

and notice the time on the clock on the wall.

Sigh

You reach for the monitor,

turn on the screen and watch the time count down.

Now you must work in actions

You must keep constantly moving,

because now you're on their time and none is your own.

What's Going on Here?

This feeling? What is it? It's so unlike me, or at least the me I used to be. I feel so, so heavy. My body has become like a ton of bricks that I have to move around in. There are weights, strong as barbells pulling my eyelids down, down. I try to shake my head. Doesn't help. I get up to go for a walk, thinking that for sure the fresh air will rejuvenate me. Give me the boost I need. I dare not drink coffee because I know what problems it causes me and I've got enough to worry about without having to take on a caffine demon. So I stand, still holding onto my desk to keep my balance. The room appears to be spinning . . . whoa. I feel dizzy. This isn't helping. But I will keep trying to reach the outside air. I walk slowly around the cubicles surrounding mine, tracing the walls with one hand in order to prevent the humiliation of my staggering walk. I feel like I am walking straight and it's just the world that is off kilter. The door. I've made it to the door. Oh! Thankfully someone is walking in as I am walking out so I do not have to struggle to pull open a silly door. (pathetic, huh?)

I inhale deeply as I cling to the railing on the balcony I'm standing on. It feels firm, hard, secure. I do not. I feel heavy, exhausted, and unsure of myself. I would assume this is how I would appear if I was drunk. But I don't even remember the last time I had a drink. An alcoholic beverage. Similar to the caffine, alcohol curses me with more problems than I intend to take on. Exhale. I wish that when I opened my mouth to let go of this old, used air that I could also release this weight that's bringing me down. If I could just breathe it out, blow it away, maybe then I can feel like myself again. I remember that feeling. Vividly. I was awake, alert, alive. I felt healthy and I was healthy. But something is different now. Were did that self disappear to? Will I ever get my self back again? Something tells me that the answer is no.

I close my eyes. Inhale, Exhale. I don't want to hyperventalate (that'd be just what I'd need! -read with sarcasm), but I want to exchange all of this air pent up inside of me for air that the trees and plants fill this planet with. The fresh, clean kind. Mmmm. It is delightful. I open my eyes. Has my world stopped spinning? No. No, it hasn't changed. The weight is still buried inside me, still pulling me down. Everything is making me dizzy. Urrgg. Now nautious. I sigh. I suppose that I should get back into work again. Break time is over. But these symptoms are not.

I ended up leaving work a little earlier than usual today. I went home to take a nap, still hoping that maybe I could wake up to being the healthy, carefree me again. No chance. I woke up feeling worse. More groggy. Heavier still. And I know that my doctors cannot help me. I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy. They haven't shown much interest in helping me really figure out what's going on. Now its about 9:15pm. My eyes keep rolling back, urging me to sleep, sleep. Sleep some more. I've tried more sleep. It doesn't work. I feel so tired no matter how much or how little sleep I get. And in those pleasant waking hours (again, sarcasm), I am still cursed to the endless spinning, circling, twisting and turning. I'm just always dizzy. I feel like I am living in a constant state of sleepwalking. The nausea comes and goes, but I've just gotten used to it. Accepted it.

Maybe that is all I can do: accept it. I can't change it. I don't have any control over it. It controls me. It dictates what I can and cannot do, what I am and am not capable of. Maybe all of this is simply my 'lot in life.' Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I can learn to live like this. Then I think, what am I talking about?! I can't live my life always feeling dizzy, fatigued and nauseated! How could anyone live like that? I mean, I'll be tripping, falling on things and even just falling because of this constant spin. I'll grow less and less attracted to food because everything makes me feel nautious. And maybe the sleep will hit me at work and I won't have control over it at all? No. There has got to be a better way. I guess I just don't know where to find it yet. I'll look, search until I find a real doctor who will take me serously enough to tell me the truth about what is going on. Until then . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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So Close, Yet Still So Far Away

Okay, so I'm sure you're all probably so tired of reading about our move. But I guess it's a pretty big deal, so I can't help but write about it, especially since this is like a journal for me. So I'm sorry to say that this one is more for me than for you. Maybe next time . . .

I don't know if I'm even excited at all about this move anymore. The family that is in the apartment we're supposed to be moving into on Saturday was supposed to have moved out over this past weekend. Yesterday (Monday) the apartment manager once again gave us the discouraging news that they still haven't moved out. I guess the house they're moving into is still being fixed up and that it's still not ready. Well, it's been nearly three weeks that we've been here in limbo, waiting for them to move while they are still waiting to move. It looks like we will be living out of these mounds of boxes for two weeks instead of just this one. Even if this family did move out tomorrow, the apartment management here could not have the place thoroughly cleaned and prepared for us by this Saturday. I'm totally bummed. I know, I know, I should just be grateful to know that we WILL eventually get into that place! But it really stinks to keep hearing that "oh, they're moving out this weekend so you can plan to move in next weekend. " How many weeks now have we been told this? How in the world are we supposed to plan everything (like getting people together to help us on such short notice, getting this place all cleaned and ready to go - once and for all, and whether or not we should open the boxes to get what we need or just wait and do without for a while?) when we just don't have anything definate, concrete. Why can't this just be a normal move? That family out on a certain specific assigned day, their apartment available to us on a certain specific assigned day, and one for-sure, certain, specific, assigned day that we can be done with THIS place! It's not home here like this, you know? No pictures on the walls, no pillows on the couch, boxes everywhere to squeeze through, minimal necessities, empty cupboards, and no possible way to find what we need when we need it. This is just silly! I just have to hang in there. We WILL move. We WILL have that wonderful two-bedroom apartment. We WILL have a place to call home again. It's only a matter of time. Patience, my dear, patience. (Sigh . . . again.)

Get Movin'!

Now the excitement of this move has begun to wear down. Now is the time that we have to do the things that are not so fun. We've signed our new lease. We've filled out all of the necessary paperwork. We've even had the apartment manager inspect our apartment before the packing so that she could get an idea of how we live (clean or messy?). Lucky for us, Tim had worked really hard cleaning and straightening our apartment just the day before. But of course that doesn't last. The signing of the lease was last week and already the place looks messy again. The thing is, we just haven't got room for all of this stuff! This move to a larger apartment is long overdue for us.
So we've started packing. First tracking down some large boxes, then figuring out where to begin! It's totally overwhelming when you just stand in the middle of this miniture living room because it litterally feels like the walls might cave in on you at any time! And I think, It doesn't matter where I begin - packing is going to be a long process of getting things organized enough to fit in the boxes and to clean the deep crevices that we generally don't notice anyway. Well, I decide, I'm just going to have to close my eyes, spin, and point. There is no fun way to do this. Aha! Books! I'll start with the books!

Once all of the books have been somewhat neatly piled into their boxes, I wipe the sweat off my brow and move on. It's been two days now. Just for packing alone. Now it is time for the cleaning. The deep, grimey, just gross places that we just don't normally think to clean. This list we've got from the apartment manager is long and the work will be tedious. She has even specified the kind of cleanser that she wants us to use! Now that just seems silly to me. Do I really have to go out and buy a ton of this cleanser when I've already got tons of other cleansers? We've got enough to worry about, don't we?

I don't mind cleaning if it only involves straightening things up. But this deep cleaning stuff is not my forté. I like to organize things, not scrub and scrub things! Oh well. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. So I will do. I will clean today keeping in mind that right now our new apartment is also being cleaned and in this way I can feel like I might still reap the benefits of my own cleaning labors. I'm just gonna focus on all of the good things that will come in just about a week! Putting it that way does reignite the excitement in me for this new place that we will home. Home sweet home. (Sigh)

We're Moving! . . . Again?

Okay, this is silly, but I feel like I've won the lottery or something! Here's the story:

Moving Day #1: After getting married, my husband and I settled in an apartment in Davis. It was a comfortable little one-bedroom space. Manageable. We survived. It was about 500 square feet. But the bedroom door kept things separated. And since I had never lived outside of my parent's house, I would've been happy with just about anything that I could call 'my home.' I love to decorate, so I had a blast making that little space my own. But then crazy things happened in our lives. Trying times. We weren't fighting each other, but we were fighting other things together. And suddenly the walls were closing in on us. Suddenly my parent's house seemed so much further away than the hour it normally took to get there. Everything I had known changed for me all at once when Tim and I got married. For example, like I mentioned, I had only ever lived at home with mom and dad. Same house even! I had never actually moved. Okay, well, once, when I was like two or something, but that doesn't count! In addition to moving out of my parent's house to a new place somewhere an hour away, I also was leaving a job that I was proud of and had to find new work closer to where we were living. That was so stressful. I didn't get any calls back until the week before my wedding! Talk about waiting till the last minute! And then I was also moving away from my friends that I was comfortable and familiar with. But throughout all of this transition, I still felt like I was getting a better deal in marrying Tim. It was all worth it to me! I just didn't comprehend the stress that I was internalizing. Note to reader: NEVER INTERNALIZE THINGS. It was like I imploded - blew up from within. That was when we decided that it was time to move back to a place closer to family and friends. Back to things that I knew. Tim decided that he would commute to school until finishing in December (2005). So the search was on. Tim was so persistant (that's my man!) Finally he came across this place. The complex was built in 1999, so it is still fairly new. I never had the chance to actually see the place before moving in because it was so hard to get any time off work. So Tim got out his video camera and had the apartment manager take him through this apartment while he was filming so that I could see where we were moving. I didn't really care that much about what kind of place we would be moving to because I was totally consumed with so many other things. But I was impressed by what I saw in Tim's video. I just went along with it.


Moving day #2: I am running up the stairs to get to the third floor where our new apartment would be. The hall was long and looked like a hotel or something. It was like The Shining! Kinda freaked me out at first! And the aparment manager turns the key and here it is! WoW! Stairs! I've always wanted to live in a place with stairs! I come past the entryway and walk into the kitchen. Slash living room. Slash dining room. Slash office. Oh. wow. This is not exactly what I expected when Tim told me we were getting more square-feet in this place. 550. 50 more sqare feet than what we had before. I guess most of those square feet are on the stairs! And where is there even a bathroom in this little crackerjack-box place? Okay, now the bathroom might leave room for redemption. Now, the bedroom. Where would that be? In that closet over there? Huh. No, I guess that is what's left upstairs. I'm almost afraid to go up there. But I go. The apartment manager has decided not to follow me. I wonder why? When I get up stairs, I've found out why. There wouldn't be room for two of us up here! Okay, so I'm exaggerating a little. But seriously, what would even fit up here? Where will our clothes go? Does a queen bed even fit here? I imagine if it does that it takes up the entire upstairs! And there is no door. No bedroom door. It's all open. It's a loft. I should've known. I guess I just pictured it differently. Oh well. Let's see what we can do. Tim tells me that this is only temporary until he has graduated and gotten a new job. Then we'd get a bigger place. I sigh. At least I can decorate! Maybe I can find a way to turn this box into a home.
Temporary.
That was back in August (2005).
It's March (2006).
When will our ship come in? Will we be stuck here forever? And I thought the walls were closing in on us in Davis! I had no idea . . .


Moving Day #3 (TO BE ANNOUNCED). Now for the lottery explaination. Well, I feel like we've won the lottery because we've been trying so hard to get into a two-bedroom place! We really wanted to stay in this complex because it really is a nice complex. But our circumstances just kept changing and we couldn't qualify whenever a two-bedroom apartment opened up. We even started looking at other complexes because we have wanted to get more space. We need it! There is no place to put anything anymore! And with my scrapbook endevors increasing in volume, everything is in the way! So . . . drum roll please! We found out about two weeks ago that a family on the first floor in a two-bedroom apartment had put in their notice of intent to move. Our friendly apartment manager (I think she pities us!) said that she would do her best to make sure that we get the apartment! I guess the decision is made by the owner and some committee, so it's all very strict procedures. So we waited. And waited. Seems like we've been waiting forever!! We were even under the impression that the family was moving out last weekend! When we didn't see a moving truck/van, we just assumed it wasn't going to happen. Bummer. Such a let down. But Monday morning, Tim talked to the manager and she said that he's moving out this weekend!! That's why we didn't see a moving truck! Ohhhh!! Then, on Tuesday, we went in and SIGNED THE LEASE!! Whoo-hoo!! That means there's no goin back now! The place is officially ours and we will be officially moving downstairs to a spacious 800 square feet (don't laugh, that's a lot when you're just starting out - which I still say we are) apartment by next weekend! Ahh!! I just can't believe that everything's just falling into place! Oh, I'll share this other cool piece of exciting news: You know how when you first move into an apartment you have to have the rent $money$ and $money$ for a deposit? Since Tim hasn't actually started his "real" job yet, we definitely wouldn't have enough to pay all of this on our own. But guess what? After filing our taxes, we found that we'll be getting about $1000 back!! I am just in shock! This is really going to work out after all! Somebody pinch me please! I sure hope I don't wake up to find out this was all a really great dream because this is just so unreal! WoW! Okay, I'll stop my gawking. Sorry if I got a little carried away! To all of the friends and family out there, we'll let you know our new apartment NUMBER (not a new address!) as soon as we get all situated. Thanks for sharing in my excitement by reading this silly post! Much love!

Alone in a Crowd

I know there are a lot of people all around me, but sometimes I feel alone in a crowd. Like I'm sitting here in this room, but I don't know these people and they don't know me. We're all here for the same purpose, but we're all here for different reasons. We're all looking for something, but we won't tell anyone what it is. I secretly hope someone will notice and will want to look for the same things with me. I want to find someone who totally understands, who knows what its like, who doesn't judge me. I have this hope that I can't extinguish that it is possible I will find someone like this. Like that person is really out there. Could the person I long to find be right here in this very room? It's possible, I tell myself with little hope. But I dare not ask. I dare not put my heart on my sleeve because I remember what happened when I tried that before. I have no strength left to endure that kind of pain. So if that person is here, I hope that whoever it is will approach me, put their heart out to risk the things only a heart can know. Well, I know this wouldn't happen. I know that probably everyone here has a story like mine of how they've been hurt in their past so I cannot expect any more from anyone else. We're all the same. It's just that no one says anything about it. It's too hard to make the first move, to make that first impression, to be the one to give first. Still, we all know there is a choice we have to make: Will I share my heart, my life, with this stranger? Or will I walk on by, telling myself that I don't need anyone else? It's a choice! Looking around this room full of strangers, I wonder what kind of choice I will make. Will I even try?

Sometimes I think it is possible that there might be better things ahead, that there really is another person out there looking for the same things I am. I suppose I am the one being judgemental if I am hoping for that someone to find me. Love is blind, as they say, so when I find this person I'm looking for I can't hang on to this hurt anymore. I can't blame this person for things that someone else did that broke my heart. I know I'll never find the person I'm looking for if I keep pushing everyone away because of the pain I still feel from past relationships. What kind of relationships? What kind of person am I looking for? Well, I think you know. We're all looking for this kind of person. I'm looking for a true friend. A best friend. A person with whom I can create a bond that could potentially last a lifetime! So as I sit here alone, surrounded by all these people, I will think of them like flower buds. I've never tried to initiate, but maybe if I do today they will open up to become the bright, glorious beings they were created to be. Maybe I am just a bud as well. Maybe I haven't been completely crushed. I just wilted. Now here is my chance to look to the sun once again. I think I will stand up and walk into this crowd. I will put my heart out again in hopes that this time it will not be crushed. I will go and be a friend. I will initiate, I will ask questions, and I will not judge. I've always heard that you have to be a friend to have a friend. It works both ways. Maybe this time will be different. Better. Beautiful.

The Three Girls

A long time ago (just kidding), before I was born, there lived three sisters that hated each other so. They fought and screamed and chased each other all around the house. How could they ever be friends after being such rivals for so long? They each had such different personalities. Well, these three little girls have grown up to be three beautiful women who, against all odds, became friends. And then they each became mothers of daughters who were very much like themselves.

This is where our story begins. The second generation of the three little girls were not connected by the bonds of sisterhood, but instead by the ropes of being cousins. Now, just so you know, the bonds of sisterhood are much stronger simply because they are bound from birth to each other. With cousins, though, it is very different because there are no bounds, just loose ropes that tie each of them together. So these three little girls also did grow up (and are still growing up!) and they found that they can still be connected, even while there is slack in the rope. This means that there is an unspoken understanding that whenever they actually do have the opportunity to get together, they are able to pick their friendships right up where they left off. These cousins will continue to live their lives, different as they may be, always knowing that they are there for each other whenever needed. The assurance of being a part of this family is knowing that this generation will stay tied together, despite the time or distance between them. Maybe even the next generation of three little girls, if it becomes so, (don't get too excited here, I'm just saying this metaphoricly!) might find friendship like this to count on. Other friends may come and go, but family sticks together for a lifetime. As this story comes to an end, remember that all of this began with the three little girls who became beautiful women and the best mothers the world has ever known! (Okay, so I'm a little biased, but if you know this family, you'll understand that these three women are QUEENS, the title that they've all earned for their powerful abilities to love so well!)

Clearly, this is dedicated to the Three Queens who have raised (and may in some ways still be trying to raise! -just kiddin', right?- LoL!) the Three Princesses of Quite a Lot! I love you all!!!

You've Got Mail

E-mail. Electronic mail. Fun stuff, huh? What was it like before e-mail? This reminds me of my previous post about cell phones. E-mail has become an easy way to connect with people, even stretching across the planet. Pretty huge. Initially, I'm sure that e-mail was most useful to businesses and large corporations. They could effectively and efficiently spread the word about a pressing issue, inquire about important information, and communicate with virtually the entire world. All of the sudden, communication was at our very fingertips. As the convienience of e-mail became more widely accessable, people flocked to their computers to create their own e-mail addresses. It was simple. Easy. Anyone could do it. The benefits of this system far outweighed any potential disadvantages. Even then it was just merely a tool of sorts to connect people.


But, this tool also prevented people from actually having to deal with one another face-to-face or even over the phone. After you sent that e-mail, your reader could interpret your written words in ways you might not have expressed to them in a genuine conversation. Once you click the "send" button, you are sending out a message to which you no longer have control of the sentiment you mean to express. However, as a more recent trend, the use of punctuation marks, "smilies," and other universal symbols have managed to provide a more explicit meaning to the reader. Uploading pictures directly into the e-mail is another way to convey the feelings in your message clearly. As technology develops more and more, the human race will continue to communicate in new ways. What I am trying to express is that as these new communicative tools develop, we must still be able to personalize the messages we send. Outside of business interactions, the e-mails that we send to maintain contacts should seem as authentic as our presence with the reader. I hope that we can always find new and inventive ways to keep in touch and yet still portray ourselves as we really are. If we are not able to do this, how will the recipient ever really know you? And what would be the point of keeping in contact with someone if you didn't really want them to know you? These are only my opinions and thoughts on the matter.

A Peaceful Place

Everything is so peaceful here. Lovely. Calm. Safe. It's just me and the trees and the only sound I hear is of the trees whispering into the breeze. I've got no place to go right now. I wouldn't want to be any other place right now. Here I am standing at the beginning of a long path from which I cannot see what mysteries lay ahead. There is so much I don't know. But somehow I am not afraid. I wait in wonder as I stare. I wonder what is waiting for me up there? I watch the leaves on the trees dance in the air as the breeze ebbs and flows. I sway along, trying to capture the gentle rhythm, feeling the chills creeping up my spine and around my body. I remember that I wanted to breathe that fresh air without constraint, so I left my jacket at home. I could not care in this moment. I take a deep breath to inhale a burst of energy, urging me forward. And I run. I sprint and run and sprint and run. I'm breathing so fast, so deep. I shake my head in the wind as it blows my hair behind me. I feel my face burning. Oh, this is what I've been craving! I keep running until I feel as though my chest will explode. I gasp for air, feeling my heart pounding it my chest. Slow down! Take a break! This is getting difficult! my heart says to me. I'm hunched over, holding onto my knees and feeling the sweat build on my forehead. Slowly my heart relaxes and my lungs are ready to go again. But I sit. I sit and stare. The tall grass blows like waves on water. I think of swimming in them. Then giggle to myself for thinking something so absurd. I lean back with my hands anchored behind me and look up at the clear sky. The blue is so vivid and the few puffy white clouds seem like little balloons in the sky. And look at those birds! They're chasing each other around and around, hopping from branch to branch on the trees that I was just running under. They seem to bark at each other with their shrill little voices. And then they fly away again and I am alone once more. The path under me is still a little moist from the dew of the night. But I don't care. I lay back onto the hard dirt. Everything is still so quiet. So quiet. Too quiet? I close my eyes and I drift off into a deep sleep.

Or did I? My alarm is buzzing so obnoxiously, interrupting this place that felt so real to me. I sit up and turn it off with a slam. It was all just a dream, I realize. Nothing more. The peace is gone. The rush is on. Time to get ready for work and leave. I slowly roll to sit up and rub my eyes into focus. I start to get up, but I feel something on my back, almost weighing me down. What's this? I reach back and feel with my fingers that there is something strange on my shirt. It's crumbling! I stand and look down at the sheets. I drop my hand. My mouth is dry. It's mud. It's real! But there are no tracks on my carpet, so how did it get in my bed? Cound it have really happened? Was that place of peace for real? I guess I'll never know...

---Sorry, this story is not based on true events. It is purely a fictional story for all to enjoy!

When Lightning Strikes

This post is another story of an event in my life that I truly treasure and would like to share. This is one of my favorite pictures of me and my brother that I have wanted to write about for a long time. I also thought that it is apropriate for the season (even to go along with my Gray Day post). So, enjoy!


(Approximately from the year 2000) - Finally we're teenagers! Finally we've begun to see beyond our differences only to find that we really do love each other after all. Finally we can have the house to ourselves because Mom and Dad finally trust us to take care of the house so they could go away for the weekend. Sure, we'll miss them, but we're going to make the most of this time without them here! This is our time!
The night was so dark. The heavy clouds stood between us and the stars above. Inside the house, we are warm. And we are bored! So we went out to play on the trampoline in the dark. Do you remember? It was very comfortable to just lay out there and relax after using all of our energy in jumping. The air is humid, not very cold, so we keep our tee-shirts on without needing a jacket or sweater. We grab this shabby, ugly blanket from the closet and giggle at our silly selves for attempting to weather the storm that we knew was to come. The weatherman told us to watch for lightning, so we are anticipating this natural phenomenon excitedly. We bounce playfully on the huge trampoline, laughing at ourselves and each other. Up and down. You flip and spring and do your daring stunts without worry or fear. I sit back and admire how talented you have become in this graceful show of yours. My favorite part is when you jump really hard on it while I am still sitting, causing me to fly back up to a standing position. That was fun! "Do it again, PJ!" I am having so much fun.
Whew! Sweat gleams on our foreheads from the physical exertion. Exhausted, we lay out that ugly old blanket, and Ker-Plunk! We fall flat to lay on our backs. We're gonna wait for the show to begin, now that we've been worn out. For a while, there is not much to see, so we run inside to get a disposable camera, hoping against hope that we will get a shot of an actual bolt of lightning. And then it begins! It starts as a low rumble of thunder coming from the hills behind our house. Then we see the sky light up in the distance with a glow when the lightning strikes. Amazing! We can hear, we can feel it coming closer. The air is feeling more and more moist. But we pay no attention. We're determined to get a good picture. "Look, Jess, over there!" You point. I look. "WoW!" We both say in unison. "Oh! PJ, look, look, look!" I point. You look. This is so incredible!
But what's this? Something just landed on my cheek. My nose! My head! It's RAINING! We look at each other and immediately decide what must be done at this point: time find those snowboarding goggles! Ahh!! We are just cracking up, so thrilled to have come up with such a novel idea that will allow us to continue in our quest to capture lightning in a photo! You run to your room and I run to mine. We are rushing like crazy because we know that the storm will soon pass. Found them! Let's go!
We plop down again in our same spots. For a while, it seems like the storm may have already passed us. But the rain trickles down still, landing on our goggles and rolling off in small streams. The storm is far from over. So where has the thunder and lightning gone? It's here! It's over there! We didn't miss it all! Snap, Click, Snap. Well, let's hope at least one of these turns out! We can't wait for the surprise of going through the freshly developed film after I take in this funky little camera. The roll of film is now complete. And so is our evening of brother-sister bonding on the trampoline in the rain. I will never forget this storm!

Success! We caught one after all! It's just so amazing, isn't it? (Please forgive the poor picture quality! Disposable cameras should not be depended on for important events! Just thought I'd share that.)

For your birthday, my Love

It's your 23rd birthday! Can you believe how far you've come? How much you've grown? You are a man of perseverance. Since you were born, the doctors have told you that your Cystic Fibrosis was going to shorten your life. That you wouldn't live to see these days in the condition you are in. But you are a dreamer and an achiever. No disease was going to dampen your spirits or prevent you from living the full life you had planned. Dispite all odds, you chose to fight, to maintain control of your life and take those doctor's words for the grain of sand that they are. Oh, you are more than a conquerer. You don't bend on what you believe because you believe with all of your heart. Everything you do is done with all of your heart. You think of others before yourself when others should be thinking of you. And you are patient, even with those kind of people. You somehow manage to trust in the good of people, even when it is hard to see for anyone else. You have got this joy, this gentle kind of love that you give out without a second thought. This radiates from you and people are drawn to you because of it. Your sense of humor always keeps the mood light and reminds us all of how we should enjoy this life and not take it all so seriously. You are calm. You are generous. You never quit.
There is so much to admire and love about you, Timothy. I am so proud of all that you have worked for, searched for, and achieved in the 22nd year of your life. I look forward to the wonders that lay ahead for you in this 23rd year of your life. I love to watch you develop the character of the man you have become. Keep fighting, keep loving, keep learning and growing. There's so much more still to come for you in this life . . .