Journal Entry #1

I should know in just a couple of weeks if the in-vitro process has been successful. I still have one more week of injections to induce follicle stimulation. I'm hoping that everything will continue to go according to plan and that I can go in for the "egg-retrieval" process on Sunday, April 13th. Depending on how the embryos develop following the retrieval, I would then go in for the "transfer" three or five days after that. Ten days after the transfer, I will find out whether or not I am pregnant. By the 12th day I should know whether or not I am carrying twins.

The past couple of days have been especially difficult. I have simultaneously been experiencing an overflow of emotions and physical pain. On top of all of that, I seem to have come down with a cold. I have never been so uncomfortable, incapacitated, or lethargic all at once.

But then I sit back and think of what it might be like to give birth to a child . . . to hold a tiny life that is one part me and one part Tim . . . and suddenly I am filled with a longing that makes it all seem so worth whatever I must endure. I am motivated by the hope and the faith that one day Tim and I can be working together as parents to raise a child (or children!). I can imagine Tim playing with our kids: teaching, encouraging, and inspiring. I know he is going to be such a wonderful dad! I can see us all sitting down for dinner, going to parks to play, seeing sights on vacations, having movie nights and watching Veggie Tales together! I can imagine myself as a nurturing mother, too: taking care of my family, making plans, and creating memories. These thoughts are my inspiration.

Going through all of this also brings up another kind of faith. I've realized that I have been waiting for God to come down and humble me (and maybe that is what he is doing!). In my mind, I had been thinking that God would probably humble me by bringing me down to my knees and having me beg for mercy. I've been bitter with God over the past few years and I believed that he was a mean God. But I'm starting to see that I can choose to be bitter with God by blaming him for everything that goes wrong in my life OR I can choose to be grateful to God for all of the things in my life that are better than I could've ever imagined! Basically, it's like this:

I COULD blame God for . . .
- . . . everything that went wrong when I tried to be a "christian" (this covers a LOT)
- . . . everything that didn't go "the way I had planned" (like college, career, and financial success)
- . . . not letting Tim and I be able to have kids the "natural" (and fun!) way
- . . . IVF being so expensive
- . . . Tim having Cystic Fibrosis
- . . . me not being able to work right now

OR

I COULD THANK GOD FOR . . .

- . . . second chances and forgiveness!!

- . . . getting married early and being able to spend more of my life with my best friend!!

- . . . my previous employer calling me up out-of-the-blue to ask if I could work for him from home!!

- . . . modern technology and the reproductive sciences (that through IVF we might be able to have our own kids)!!

- . . . the line of credit that became available to us exactly when we needed it in order to pay for the IVF!!

- . . . Tim's good health in spite of his CF!!

- . . . not having to work right now (that we are financially secure enough for me to stay home while we go through the in-vitro process!!)

When I realized how much more weight is on the things that I am grateful for, I started to see how much God has always been loving me. Despite my lack of faith, He has always been faithful. He has been true to His nature, as I have been true to mine. Being the bitter woman that I am, I imagined God to be vindictive and cruel. But He cannot be those things. He has never been those things. It is my narrow-minded human nature to blame rather than to thank. I deserved to be brought to my knees, but to my surprise, it was gratitude that brought me there.

I want to believe that no matter what the outcome of this IVF cycle may be that I have learned a valuable lesson: God hasn't changed. This has brought me a peace that I don't think I've ever known before. That is the God that I want to get to know.