This feeling? What is it? It's so unlike me, or at least the me I used to be. I feel so, so heavy. My body has become like a ton of bricks that I have to move around in. There are weights, strong as barbells pulling my eyelids down, down. I try to shake my head. Doesn't help. I get up to go for a walk, thinking that for sure the fresh air will rejuvenate me. Give me the boost I need. I dare not drink coffee because I know what problems it causes me and I've got enough to worry about without having to take on a caffine demon. So I stand, still holding onto my desk to keep my balance. The room appears to be spinning . . . whoa. I feel dizzy. This isn't helping. But I will keep trying to reach the outside air. I walk slowly around the cubicles surrounding mine, tracing the walls with one hand in order to prevent the humiliation of my staggering walk. I feel like I am walking straight and it's just the world that is off kilter. The door. I've made it to the door. Oh! Thankfully someone is walking in as I am walking out so I do not have to struggle to pull open a silly door. (pathetic, huh?)
I inhale deeply as I cling to the railing on the balcony I'm standing on. It feels firm, hard, secure. I do not. I feel heavy, exhausted, and unsure of myself. I would assume this is how I would appear if I was drunk. But I don't even remember the last time I had a drink. An alcoholic beverage. Similar to the caffine, alcohol curses me with more problems than I intend to take on. Exhale. I wish that when I opened my mouth to let go of this old, used air that I could also release this weight that's bringing me down. If I could just breathe it out, blow it away, maybe then I can feel like myself again. I remember that feeling. Vividly. I was awake, alert, alive. I felt healthy and I was healthy. But something is different now. Were did that self disappear to? Will I ever get my self back again? Something tells me that the answer is no.
I close my eyes. Inhale, Exhale. I don't want to hyperventalate (that'd be just what I'd need! -read with sarcasm), but I want to exchange all of this air pent up inside of me for air that the trees and plants fill this planet with. The fresh, clean kind. Mmmm. It is delightful. I open my eyes. Has my world stopped spinning? No. No, it hasn't changed. The weight is still buried inside me, still pulling me down. Everything is making me dizzy. Urrgg. Now nautious. I sigh. I suppose that I should get back into work again. Break time is over. But these symptoms are not.
I ended up leaving work a little earlier than usual today. I went home to take a nap, still hoping that maybe I could wake up to being the healthy, carefree me again. No chance. I woke up feeling worse. More groggy. Heavier still. And I know that my doctors cannot help me. I'm pretty sure they think I'm crazy. They haven't shown much interest in helping me really figure out what's going on. Now its about 9:15pm. My eyes keep rolling back, urging me to sleep, sleep. Sleep some more. I've tried more sleep. It doesn't work. I feel so tired no matter how much or how little sleep I get. And in those pleasant waking hours (again, sarcasm), I am still cursed to the endless spinning, circling, twisting and turning. I'm just always dizzy. I feel like I am living in a constant state of sleepwalking. The nausea comes and goes, but I've just gotten used to it. Accepted it.
Maybe that is all I can do: accept it. I can't change it. I don't have any control over it. It controls me. It dictates what I can and cannot do, what I am and am not capable of. Maybe all of this is simply my 'lot in life.' Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I can learn to live like this. Then I think, what am I talking about?! I can't live my life always feeling dizzy, fatigued and nauseated! How could anyone live like that? I mean, I'll be tripping, falling on things and even just falling because of this constant spin. I'll grow less and less attracted to food because everything makes me feel nautious. And maybe the sleep will hit me at work and I won't have control over it at all? No. There has got to be a better way. I guess I just don't know where to find it yet. I'll look, search until I find a real doctor who will take me serously enough to tell me the truth about what is going on. Until then . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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4 comments:
Dude, that last picture of the bed makes me want to go to sleep soo badly....
Very descriptive, I was like right there with ya girl.
I will totally pray for you that you will find a doctor that will work with you.
I'm sorry you feel so heavy and fatigued Jess. And no, I don't think it will always be like this. God works miracles and he can do one in your life too!
Wow. I wouldn't wish a tenth of the strange day to day suffer you go through on anybody! I was born with a terminal illness, yet I am sure that I suffer less than you. You may not have written this looking for pity, but you've got it! Sista, I am throwing you a party! I am amazed by your determination. If I lived like that I would probably be depressed too! I know that there is something inside you that CLINGS to life, that you have something GREAT and POWERFUL within... and it CRIES OUT FOR and DESPERATELY EXPECTS something better and more meaningful out of life!
I pray you look with all your heart and find it...
Jer 29:11-13
Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Don't you realize that there are people in this world who have real problems and how lucky you are??? Get a grip and grow up!!!!!!!!!
Hi Jess,
Auntie Sherry here. This latest entry has bothered me all day long. I don't know what to think about the two previous comments...do they just not get it or what??? One says the bed looks good to him....oh brother. The other talks about something inside you "clings" to life. Excuse me, but when you "cling" to life, you've got one foot in the grave already.
Jess, you have so much to be thankful for. You have a roof over your head and food on your table. You have a husband who loves you completely and a family that loves you and cares about you. It's not like you have a terminal illness, like pancreatic cancer or liver cancer or end stage lung disease, or an abdominal aneurysm that bursts, or a subarachnoid hemorrhage, etc. etc. You have a TREATABLE illness!
Half the battle is won by the power of your mind and what you decide to do about it. You can sit and feel sorry for yourself or you can make up your mind to fight it with all the fight you have in you. Where is your faith in all of this? You say, "Will I ever get myself back again? I think the answer is no." WHERE IS THE FAITH?
You are CHOOSING how you think this illness is going to go. I am the product of a family of alcoholics. Yes, it runs in my family...and studies show that it is generational, passed on from generation to generation. I have the gene in me. BUT.....I CHOOSE not to let that take over my life. You too, can choose to take the medications that help you and just accept the fact that yes, you have good days and bad days (just like we all do) and then YOU decide how you are going to fight it. Don't give up the fight! This is not your "lot in life" as you mentioned....it will be only if YOU let it be. Your "lot in life" can be so many wonderful things....don't get focused on something like this and let something negative be your "lot in life." Turn it into something positive. Maybe you should volunteer one day a week at a shelter for the homeless or at some group home where they have people with disabilities. We had a young girl that came to our church for the first time today and she stood up and told us she was homeless, was living on the streets, did not know where her next meal was going to come from...now that is some stress. But she knew there were better things in store for her....she had FAITH that things were going to turn around....she had CHOSEN to believe that something good was going to happen (and I'm positive the church's benevolent fund helped her out). She made a good choice and came to a place that people could help her. It's all in what you decide to do.
So.....I just had to comment on this....I have had you on my mind all day long and I prayed for you at church today too. The "cure" is within you, Jess. It's all in how you look at the picture.
Love you,
Auntie Sherry
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