Why we FIGHT

Is it really because men are from Mars and women are from Venus? It sure seems that way sometimes. Different planets, different interpretations.

From experience, I'd say that most of the fights that my husband and I have are a result of a lack of communication. Basically, I insinuate what I want and he interprets the obvious rather than reading into my subtle implications. Classic!

For example . . . My husband unexpectedly announces to me one evening that he'd like to treat me to a Starbucks beverage of my choice. I gleefully begin to anticipate this treat. Later, however, after grocery shopping and spending more than projected, he somberly tells me that it would no longer be a wise idea to go for the Starbucks treat that evening. I wilt and it is apparent, and I immediately felt guilty for desiring something that was beyond our means. As I put away the groceries, I casually hint that we will be paid our next paychecks soon, so we might be able to manage one small drink from my favorite place. He then reminds me of the amount of days until that time and of how much we just spent at the grocery store. Again, I am deflated. Then he decided that he would check our bank account transaction register to see what our balance would be after the deduction of the groceries, but continues to insist on our lack of money. After checking, he realizes that we are well in the green and that it wouldn't hurt us too much to get a couple of hot drinks. Meanwhile, I'd already begun to shut-down, telling myself that I must let go of the excitement of a longing fulfilled. But then he tells me that we can afford it, even though he had just convinced me that it was too much for us. I told him that I didn't want the drink anymore because of the guilt I was feeling about wanting this "expensive" simple pleasure! And then he became upset because I was upset and then we were both mad and then the drink was no longer the issue! Ultimately, I was convinced that we would have enough money for a simple Starbucks beverage and that is why I became upset when he changed his mind about "treating" me to this small luxury that he had tempted me with. And he, ultimately, was only trying to be consciencious about our finances! No one was wrong here . . . we just didn't clearly point out what the real issue was: money and a simple commitment to follow through with what was anticipated.

This isn't a typical fight - this wasn't that big of a deal. It was resolved relatively quickly because it really wasn't going to be an issue if I didn't see the Starbucks beverage and my husband would've let the money issue go.
But most of the time, fights start off as some stupid little issue and then snowballs into some huge ordeal. I recently watched this movie called "The Breakup" with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Great acting. Funny. But honestly, I hate this kind of movie because you see both sides and you know what needs to happen and what needs to be said and it just kills you that those conversations just aren't happening! I could name a few other movies like that . . . "Little Black Book" with Brittany Murphy, "How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days" with Kate Hudson & Matthew McConaughey, "13 Going-On 30" with Jennifer Garner, "Two Weeks Notice" with Sandra Bullock & Hugh Grant, etc.! Basically, a ton of those "chick-flicks!" What I'm saying is, whenever there are a build-up of lies or even simply just 'omitted' words, there will be an infestation of bitterness that will be a ticking-time-bomb.

So, my conclusion is simply that we - as in human-kind - fight as a result of words unsaid. Because men and woman think so differently, men cannot interpret what women insinuate and women cannot seem to express themselves in words that men comprehend without a buildup of unspoken words - emotions. It seems that women tend to show what they mean and men tend to do what they mean. Again, no one is at fault. But I believe that if we can learn to try and think from the perspective of our respective mates, then we all might get along just a little bit better! I am, by no means, any kind of doctor, scientist, sociologist, phsyciatrist, therapist, or even philosopher . . . so this may all amount to nothing. It is simply my interpretation, my understanding, my observation. Take it for what its worth and do with it what you will.

Wait! Let me also throw this in there . . . I do think that it is healthy to fight - that we need to fight (not physically - duh) to truly get to know one another better - in any relationship. To fight is merely to have a disagreement and to talk about different aspects of the issue until a common ground or resolution is found (my definition). I know that when I look at couples, older couples, people who have been married for, like, over 50 years, that they have gone through some good fights, ups and downs, to get to that point. And I see it as admirable, lovely, beautiful to grow a love that endures through it all. That's where I see me and my husband down the road . . . in a love that grows deeper throughout all of the fights, gaining a greater understanding of each other for the rest of our lives.